Closer to Heaven (A Poem)

I’m a mile high
Closer to heaven 
Carried above clouds
By a silver bird’s wings 
The air here is thinner
But your presence stronger
Covered in your tingles 
Like the warmth a blanket brings
Please wrap me up
It’s been cold without you
Stolen by the sky
Mourned by the ground
We’ll share these two hours
If only in Spirit
Flying together through the night
Until the wheels touch down

Still Aching (A Poem)

A heart already broken
            can keep breaking
A shaken soul
            can keep on shaking
A mind so tired
            can keep mistaking
That wounds are healed
when they're still aching

A moment's pause
            can lead to crying
Missing the love,
             remembering the lying
I'm moving on
             I swear I'm trying
But my world falls back apart
thinking of you dying

To really be gone
             and gone forever
To have no chance to hold you
             whatsoever
Knowing I can't come to you
              for whatever, whenever
Makes the possibility of getting over this
slim to never


A heart already broken
            can keep breaking
A shaken soul
            can keep on shaking
A mind so tired
            can keep mistaking
That wounds are healed
when they're still aching

Time (A Poem)

One month, three months,
six months, more
each day passes slowly
but looking back, months soar.

They told me time heals
even the deepest of pain
but if I believed them then
at seven months I'd feel insane.

You see, time does nothing
but change the hour and the date
It doesn't add distance,
doesn't fix, or recreate.

Paradoxical is the eternity
since I've seen his face
and the short length of time
since I've felt his embrace.

He's so far away
but yet, so near
He's been gone for so long
but I can still feel him here.

One year, three years,
six years, more
each month passes slowly
but looking back, years will soar.

Now I tell them time doesn't heal
or even lessen the pain
but it taught me to have patience,
reflect, rebuild, and remain.

Don't Wipe My Tears (A Poem)

Don't wipe my tears

just let them fall

streak my cheeks

drip and crawl

From my eyes

pooling at my nose

caught on my lips

dampening my clothes

Don't wipe my tears

I like how they feel

they wash my skin

and help me heal

Wouldn't shut them off

even if I could

because with the bad

there's always good

Don't wipe my tears

they serve me well

teach me patience

help me to quell

the piece of me

with doubt and fear

and put in its place

a pride sincere

Don't wipe my tears

they're mine to own

understanding this

shows how I've grown

No longer afraid 

of what tears may say

because I make the rules

and tears are ok

New Beginnings (A Poem)

There's something about a sunrise
like staring deep into your eyes
remembering them open wide
telling me "Baby, look! The Sun!"

Holding me is pale pink,
orange, yellow, all I think
is the colors make my heart sink
back to the hammock, in your arms.

The sky becomes a light blue
recalling sunrises with you
Are you here for this one too?
The warmth tells me "Yes."

After all the painting is done
many colors fade to just one
highlighting the beauty of the Sun:
a symbol of the new.

Separating (A Poem)

Enough space to keep me sane

Close enough to heed my heart

Straddling this fine line 

Crossing over, ripped apart 

The strength is in the balance

Of knowing how to choose

At what distance to hold you

The amount of separation to use 

If away is where I place you
I'm lost, disconnected, alone
Wandering, restless, broken
A soul without a home

If I pull you in too tightly

It's like embracing the sun

Engulfed in blissful light 

But scorched and overdone

Where's the happy medium?

The perfect in between?

Fully accepting my reality

While still honoring the unseen

So goes my daily struggle

Learning to navigate this mismatch

Loving you thoroughly and truly 

While beginning to detach 

Insomnia of Grief (A Poem)

The dark between the hours

2 AM and 5 AM

is a little bit colder.

The minutes in those hours

somehow can feel longer.

The silence:

heavier.

This time of night is reserved

for unfortunate people

whose minds are rejecting rest.

With hands rubbing weary eyes

that are refusing to shut.

With loud hearts:

pulsating.

Their thoughts hold unchecked power

mixing sleep deprivation

with unfathomable hurt.

They are burdened completely

with ugly truths and fears.

Their struggle:

unyielding.

The only hope that exists

flickers in and out of view

fighting to stay in focus.

Deficient sleep or morning

is the only promise.

A new day:

approaching.

OxyContin (A Poem)

I know a pill that takes your pain
When it slides down your throat
Or travels through your nose
Or courses through your vein

I know a pill that makes it better
You're numb to the world
It all melts away
And you're lighter than a feather

I know a pill that makes you blind
There's no right or wrong
Even the good is bad
You leave everyone behind

I know a pill that takes your soul
You live a double life
Drown in your lies
But tell yourself you're in control

Recent Photographs (A Poem)

Where there once was a twinkle

Sheer joy, a spark

Snuffed out is that glow

A gaze vacant and dark

Eyes like pools of despair

So deep you could dive

With a tiny hint of hope

Fighting hard to survive

You can tell she attempts

To produce a natural smile

Strained and dishonest

Hurting all the while

But there’s truth in her eyes

Although a dim glimmer

At the bottom of the darkness

Is a light yet to shimmer

If you look deeply enough

You’ll see hope fighting through

It’s broken and buried

But it’s existence is true

Although her smile is artificial

And her eyes look dejected

At second glance I see a girl

With a pain she has respected

The unwavering joy  

He made shine from her eyes

She knows can’t be faked

So it’s not like she tries

She puts on a good face

And smiles with her friend

Making the most of the moment
While hope is on the mend

Lost at Sea (A Poem)

If home is where the heart is
and my heart is up in heaven,
Then where do I belong?

If my anchor is to ground me
and it's with me no longer,
I'll drift aimlessly along

If my compass is to lead me
and I've lost my direction,
I'm out here afraid

If light is what you bring me
and now there's only darkness,
Then you should've stayed.

Homeless and ungrounded
Drifting and clouded
Everyday I wake
Hoping it's a mistake

Because now I'm all at sea
Trying so desperately
To be true to who I am
While mapping a new plan

Without light it's hard to do
What the compass tells me to
But I don't need to hold steady
I have no anchor so I'm ready

Now that my heart is in the sky
I can always use it as my guide
I won't ever feel alone
You've made the whole world my home.

Promises of One Day (A Poem)

One day I will look my grief in the eye and get the help I need to address it

I will trust that a guy going to the bathroom is only using the toilet 

I will stop thinking people I love will die randomly without warning

I will no longer wake up slightly panicking that you aren't next to me

I will accept that life might not always seem fair, but no one ever said it would be

I will take comfort in the idea that I have to do this myself, but I don't have to do it alone 

One day I will stop obsessing over what could've been and focus on what is now

I will stop digging into your past and looking for answers

I will be at peace with what I know and what I will never know 

I will ignore my desire to learn things that only scare me further

I will center my thinking on what I can do now, not what I could've done then

I will understand that true love never dies, it just changes form- like you

One day I will allow myself to move on, knowing it's healthy and necessary

I will keep your memories close to my heart, but stop burrying myself in them 

I will put myself first and not feel guilty about it

I will allow happiness into my life and feel deserving of it 

I will accept that I'm not the same person I used to be

I will embrace this change and be stronger, wiser, and more beautiful because of it

One day I will actively follow through on the lessons you taught me

I will generously offer to help people with whatever they need

I will focus on the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives

I will relax and give myself a break

I will laugh at life's frustrations and bask in the confusion 

I will make sure everyone I'm close to knows how special they are

I can get lost in the promises of "one day"

The future seems like a convienent space to toss these resolutions 

But at any point the passageway between my today and my one day 

Could have obstacles, narrow, or even close. 

So why not today? 

Why not start my one day now?

Today I won't accomplish all of these things, possibly not even one

I will forgive myself for that

I will respect my grief, but not let it consume me

I will focus on the baby steps I can take each day

I will celebrate small victories

I will take life a day at a time, because todays are what one days are made of.

Forgetting You (A Poem)

I'm terrified of forgetting you.

When I close my eyes,
I can picture you next to me,
talking to me,
being with me.

When I do that it's almost like you're still here.

But this morning when I did that,
it was a little bit harder to get your exact face,
your exact voice,
your exact touch.

I looked at a picture of us to remind me of you,
but that just made it worse.
I have to look at a photograph to remember you?

My heart is racing right now.

It's only been a month and already it's harder to keep you alive in my mind.
I don't think I've ever felt more guilty about anything in my life.

Are you mad at me or is this what you want?

How could you possibly want this?

Your Last Night

It was exactly one month ago that you dropped me off at the Phoenix airport.

You were a mess. I could see it in your eyes.

It seemed like your whole world was crumbling around you. 

Everything was slipping through your fingers.

I apologized for having to go. I wished it was our normal two-week-or-less countdown, but you were busy, I was busy, there was nothing we could do.

You told me that if you had any money, you would buy a one-way ticket to come with me.
But you didn’t, you couldn’t.

You were shaking.

I told you that everything was going to be ok. I told you that it wasn’t going to be that bad. One month would fly by and before we knew it we would be living together for the whole summer.

We’d share the whole summer together. Everything would be different.

We split ice cream as you tried to make me smile.

 You almost made me miss my flight because you wanted to wait until the very last minute to let me go through security.

 When it was time, you walked up with me to the security line and forgot all of your bags back by the chairs.

You were a mess.

I had to go, but you told me, “One more kiss!” I complied and then turned to walk away.

 “Just one more kiss!” 

Oh, how I loved you.

Three more times of that and you finally let me go after I started getting panicky about missing my flight. I was always the worrier.

 I usually sleep the entire flight, but this time I couldn’t. I was frantically writing out schedules trying to figure out a way to surprise you with a trip so we didn’t have to wait an entire month. I wrote all over the whole barf bag and asked the flight attendant to bring me some napkins.
I had to make it work. There must be a way.

The hours between 5 and 10.

Where were you my sweet Bear? How lonely did you feel? How desperate did you become?

 Thank God you eventually went home to your parents. 

Thank God.

You sat down with your mom and told her I was the one. 

You told her that they needed to get to know me better.

 You called me to say goodnight. I was annoyed you waited so long. It was already midnight. 

I had to be up for work at six.

Goodnight my love. 

Talk to you tomorrow.