Facebook Relationship Statuses After Death: Part 2

Back at the end of September, I wrote a post about my Facebook relationship status. In the kind of world we live in today, how you present yourself on social media seems to be inextricably linked with who you are. Which is why after Blake died, it felt impossible for me to change my relationship status back to "single." I wasn't ready for people to see me as single and I most definitely didn't feel like my relationship with Blake was over. So, even after uncomfortable inquires about it from friends, I kept "In a relationship with Blake Norvell" on my profile.

At first when people asked me about it, I would tell them, "I don't want to change it because I'm still in a relationship with Blake," or "Blake is still my boyfriend." Although this didn't seem weird to me, I could tell that it left some people worried about my mental stability. But I told myself it was alright, they didn't have to understand. They could never really understand anyway.

But in the last month or so, I noticed that my answer to this question started to change. When asked about why it still said I was in a relationship with Blake, I explained that seeing it on my profile made me happy. Plus, it gave me a quick shortcut to click his name and go straight to his page whenever I wanted to look at old pictures or see if anyone wrote to him. "Besides", I always added, "it's not like I am dating anyone else. If I get to that point with someone, I'll change it out of respect for him. But until then, if it doesn't matter to anyone else why bother updating it?"

If you've looked on my Facebook profile in the last week, you might have noticed that I no longer have a relationship status. That's because I finally made the decision to hide it from everyone but me. When I look at my profile it says "in a relationship with Blake Norvell," but to everyone else it says nothing. Did I do this because I don't feel like Blake is my boyfriend anymore? No. Did I do it out of respect for another guy? No, again. So why did I do it?

Immediately after Blake's death, I was hit with crippling insecurity. I wanted so desperately to prove that he was the man I always thought he was and that our relationship was real, that I over compensated. I didn't want Blake to be seen as just some tragic overdose story, so I illustrated his compassion and character to anyone who would listen. And I didn't want myself to be looked at as some unfortunate, naive girl, so I detailed our love story in an effort to show everyone how real it was, despite the circumstances. I didn't want anyone to think I was embarrassed of him or our relationship. I wore our relationship with defiant pride. No one could make me believe less about him; his struggle was indisputable, but his heart was always pure. But to be completely honest, I think I was doing all of this more in an effort to prove it to myself than to anyone else.

But now, I'm at a stage where I'm internalizing my love and connection with Blake. I finally feel like I have nothing to prove to anyone- not even to myself. The last part of that sentence is even more important than the first, because I believe it is the key reason why I don't need the relationship status to validate anything. I am happy with my moments with Blake and don't need the world to know about them. Of course I'm still an open book, and sharing all of myself is part of my personality, but I do so now without the agenda of battling insecurity.

Protectors and Assailants

When I go out, I start sorting guys into two groups: protectors and assailants. I quickly label everyone in my head in order to navigate my way through the night. Although this strategy keeps me present for a while, it always ends the same way. Slowly and then all at once, I shut off completely. And when I get to this point nothing anyone says can bring me back.

The assailants in a bar are easy to spot. They look at me, my skin crawls, and I know. When they talk to me I feel nothing and everything all at the same time. I've tried to describe this panicked feeling before, but the exact words to explain it are still elusive. I fight to hold conversations with assailants as long as I possibly can, but eventually their every word, every movement pushes my heart to a cliff. As I near the edge, the alarms sound in my head and I have to excuse myself to find my nearest protector.

Protectors are guys I know well and have a level of trust in. Their close proximity to me is never a threat, but not always a comfort either. As they see me start to unravel, they hold me like a fragile piece of porcelain. Cradling me too cautiously, encasing me so I don't shatter. They create a barrier between us and the rest of the world so that no one can touch me. Although I'm grateful for this at first, inevitably I panic again. Not in the heart stopping way that the assailants incite, but instead this panic squeezes my lungs. I lose my ability to breathe, suffocating under the weight of their fierce protection.

And then I'm alone.

Not physically, as my protector won't leave my side, but mentally I've rowed myself to an island of my own making. I sit there as the ocean laps at my oars, trying to coax me back in. But I can't. I won't. I refuse. I've made my choice to disconnect and now I'm lost to the world.

As I shut myself off from this confusing crowd of protectors and assailants, I search inside myself for you. You reassure me that things won't always be like this; I need to be patient. That someday, I'll be ready to stop labeling guys as either protectors or assailants. Little by little, I'll start viewing them as they actually are. Not just there to attack or defend me, but as real people who are searching for connections in the same way I am.

So even though it feels like there's you and then there's everyone else, I'll wait. I'll keep attempting to find my way through the safety and the set backs, the challenges and the comfort, the help and the hurt. Because I know on the other side of it is a world full of love. A world that I'll belong to again if I take my time.

Facebook Relationship Statuses After Death

Blake "Was in a relationship with Briana Wagner."

Blake's Facebook profile has been in what they call a "memorialized state" since right after he passed away. It wasn't until recently, however, that I noticed that with this new state came a change in his relationship status. Since I spotted it, I've read that sentence probably 100 times. The insertion of that infuriating three letter word filled me with more anger than was justifiable, but felt like a stab in the heart nonetheless.

Was.

I checked my profile to see if it made the same switch. Nope. Mine still proudly displays "In a relationship with Blake," not was. I honestly don't mind my Facebook still saying "In a relationship" because I don't want anyone to think I'm single anyway. I'm not single. I'm not ready for anyone to consider me single either. The present tense for me feels very fitting and accurate.

I know it may seem ridiculous to analyze my relationship with Blake in terms of something as trivial as Facebook, but I think it creates an interesting parallel for how things actually are. By the very nature of death, Blake's relationship with me is in the past. He is no longer alive so he cannot currently be in a relationship with anyone. Even though it hurts to see "was" connected to his relationship with me, I do understand that it makes sense. As for me, a living, breathing person, I am able to still presently be in a relationship. Although the "with whom" part of the relationship is questionable to some people, I am still currently in a relationship regardless.

The crazy part is that the dynamic of the nebulous "with whom" is actually accounted for too. If I ask a friend who isn't Facebook friends with Blake to look at my relationship status, it only says "In a relationship." Period. Blake Norvell no longer exists to them. So although my relationship is still present tense, his name is not there anymore to anyone other than me and the people who were friends with him before he died. 

I don't know if the people at Facebook purposefully thought all of this through, but the accuracy of how the memorialized state of Blake's Facebook changed our relationship statuses is chilling. Not only does it reflect the duality of being both past and present tense for him and me, but it also demonstrates how different people outside of our relationship view it. While some people know him and know our connection remains, others see me as simply in a relationship, trying to hold on to something that isn't there anymore.

At least when I look at my status it says exactly how I feel. Briana Wagner is "In a relationship with Blake." That is what really matters.