Maybe if I had been exposed to your addiction at all it would be easier to hate you. I would have seen you make bad choices, heard you lie, watched you go down this path. I would be able to point to a place in our relationship where you changed, where you weren't my Blake anymore, when I knew that things would never be the same again.
But I didn't know this side of you. At all.
In a twisted way, I feel like you protected me from this side of you because you never wanted me to have to experience all of that hurt (the way I am experiencing it now). But how is it protecting me to lie? To not open up completely? To not allow me the opportunity to help you? In your mission to "protect" me, you've actually made it much harder on me to process now.
It felt so good to finally be angry with you yesterday. I was finally able to look objectively at our relationship and see that a life with you using behind my back (or most likely with me knowing sooner than later) wouldn't be much of a life at all. Get married? Have a family with you? Spend our whole lives together completely in love? Doubt it. This new anger made me feel brave. The anger I felt towards you gave me the extra push I needed to stop watching our videos, get out of bed, and finally do things that had absolutely nothing to do with you.
Was I really angry or just confused/scared/hurt etc. etc.?
Anger is powerful. Anger is a defense mechanism that spurs action. Almost all of my grieving up until this point has been passive: sitting, moping, crying. Maybe my mind finally had enough of my inaction and decided to mix it up. For once I felt empowered to do something, anything, to move forward in a way that didn't involve Blake.
But at the end of the day a picture popped up on my newsfeed, I saw his handsome face, watched as his other friends commented sweet things, and I realized I can't be angry forever. I can't even be angry for a full day. Anger doesn't serve me, it only fills my heart with hate and blinds me from any goodness. That's not a way to live.
My psych always says that to me too about anger. She always pushes me to find the underlying emotion...which is usually frustration in my case. It's one of the best things she's taught me.
ReplyDeleteI have never been good at letting myself be angry. But honestly, even if it's not a primary emotion, it definitely has a purpose. Not letting yourself be angry sometimes is almost as bad as letting yourself be angry without figuring out why. I think it was very healthy for me to finally be angry, but at the end of the day you can't dwell on the anger- you have to address the real emotion behind it.
DeleteThanks for commenting <3