The Evolution of X

June 24, 2013, a little less than a month after Blake's death, I started this blog to give myself "X amount of time" every day to grieve. After asking the advice of a friend who lost his father, I created this space to spend that designated time writing. In my small piece of the internet, I could spill, organize, and share my thoughts. "X Amount of Time" was meant to help me sit with what was in my head, focus it, and then get it out. To help me make sense of my grief so that I could move forward.

Technically "X" denotes the unknown. However, I went into this thinking "X amount of time" meant confining my grieving to an hour or so a day. But in actuality, X stood for 24 hours. If there were 72 hours in a day, that X would've stood for 72. X was all consuming. Even when I wasn't sitting down to write in my blog, I was thinking about it, rereading it, connecting with people through it. I couldn't give myself x amount of time, because grieving was my full time job.

As soon as I realized this, I decided that the "X" didn't mean hours in a day, but instead it stood for months. My "X amount of time" would be how many months I was going to need to keep writing. I told myself that I would stop adding entries when I didn't need this space anymore. Eventually, I would phase out my blog and move on with my life. October: 21 posts, November: 17, December: 12, January: 7. As I saw myself writing less and less frequently, I figured February would be the end. My "X amount of time" would be over, and my new life would begin.

But something inside me had a problem with that kind of thinking. As I started asking myself why I felt the need to stop writing, I realized that there was really no reason besides that I felt awkward about keeping this going for so long. Awkward in the sense that I felt like people might think it was pathetic. It's been almost nine months, did I really need to write about it anymore? Shouldn't I be ok enough now to stop thinking about this?

This morning I realized that "X amount of time" isn't about trying to restrict myself. Saying, "I'm only giving myself one hour to be upset today and then I have to stop thinking about the loss," or, "After nine months of this I have to move on." Instead, X amount of time is about reminding myself. Reminding myself that even though life goes on and I've entered a state of normalcy, I still deserve to give myself that hour or two every day, or every other day, or once a week. Whenever I need it. Anytime I feel the need to spill, organize, and share my thoughts, I have this blog and "X amount of time" that day to do so.

X denotes the unknown. I don't know how long or when I'll feel the urge to share the thoughts inside my head about Blake's death and how it continues to affect me. I don't know if the number beside February will have three entries or 30. I don't know if there will be a March 2014 or a March 2015. I don't know. But what I do know is I have faith that I'm going to be ok, regardless of what happens to this blog. Because I trust in myself and I trust in my ability to give myself "X amount of time."