Thursday, September 11, 2014

Where I'm at Now

It's been a while.

I received a couple comments on an old post this week from people checking in and asking if I'm ok. First of all, that was beyond flattering, so thank you for that. Secondly, this really caused me to reflect on how I've been and why I stopped writing.

Since I've always used this blog as a place to expose the unfiltered truth, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be, I owe it to myself to stick with that commitment.
The truth is, back in May I fell in love.

Falling in love again was exciting, terrifying, and confusing all at once. I knew the moment it happened that it felt right and that I shouldn't feel guilty about it, probably because I knew Blake had a hand in putting me in that position. But just because it felt natural didn't mean I wasn't scared. I was scared shitless. More than I admitted to him, more than I admitted to myself. When you've held onto something so long and with such conviction, unclasping your hands feels like you're letting go of something that was as much a part of you as the fingers that clutched it.

But I let go.
And the best part about it was that I let go because I truly wanted and was ready to, not because I felt pressured into it.

On the anniversary of Blake's death I buried the blue heart ring with him at his grave along with a note explaining why I wouldn't be wearing it anymore. Not because I didn't want to wear a constant reminder of him, but because I didn't need to. It was a symbolic gesture to show that I was finally ok. That I was whole and able to live my life again. I knew he would except the gift with a smile, because it was what he wanted.

There were times that I wanted to write about this process, but I didn't for two main reasons:
1) I wanted to preserve this blog as the journey that it was: the first year after tragically losing a man that I loved with my entire heart.
2) I wanted to respect the privacy of the new relationship and man in my life

And although I have no idea how this love will evolve over time or where it will take me, I do know that Blake is always rooting for my happiness. I've settled into a healthy relationship with his spirit, not overly reliant on his support, but connected enough to know he's still always looking out for me. I feel better than I ever have in my life and I owe it all to the path I had to travel to get to this point.


  1. Life,

    We all have different problems in life.I mean you lost your bf, I am about to lose my grandma.Well I don't feel anything about it deep down the line, but I fear change.Change scares anyone.

    So glad someone was able to get over someone.

    1. I wouldn't say I've gotten over anything. It still hurts and I'm pretty sure it will always hurt. I think once I accepted that, it was a lot easier for me to start understanding that life was never going to be the same. I was so fixated on getting back to "normal" that I didn't realize that would be such a shame.

      In this case, the change in me has been good. Life has changed and I've evolved into a deeper and more spiritual person. I actually like the new me much more.

      It's not all bad.

      I hope you're doing the best you can. Xoxo

  2. Hey girl. Do you have another blog or somewhere else where you write? I'm glad you're doing well and don't need this as an outlet anymore... But some of us miss your great writing! <3

    1. Hey! I actually have a (sort of) private poetry blog that acts as somewhat of a diary if you're interested:

      I hope you're having a great day :)