Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Soul Mates?

I have been struggling with identifying Blake as my "soul mate" or the "love of my life" because to me, that makes his death and losing him so much more tragic.

I've always thought that there is just one soul mate out there for me: the person who will become my husband. However, I realize there are probably hundreds of definitions of soul mates. I'm sure some people believe you can have multiple soul mates and some who think that they don't exist at all. But what I've always believed is that you have one true soul mate and he is the person you're meant to spend the rest of your life with.

My personal definition of a soul mate is someone who compliments your strengths, respects
your weaknesses, and is there to support your growth using both his strengths and weakness. He's the person who's going to challenge you, call you out on your bullshit, and not let you get away with being any less than you're meant to be. I don't see a soul mate as someone who you're exactly alike or is your "other half." How would we evolve as individuals if we spend our lives with someone who is the same as us? Our negatives would just multiply each others negatives and our positives would seem less positive. And if we think of soul mates as the other halves of us, isn't that saying we're not whole people without them? I think it's damaging to view yourself that way.

I think I got these ideas because I truly believe my parents are soul mates. I watch them and I just know that they were destined to be together. They definitely are dissimilar in many ways, but I don't think that means they "complete" each other. Neither of them has something missing that they need to provide one another to make each of them whole. Instead, it's more like they help each other grow in all of the right ways due to their differences. Blake said the same thing was true for his parents. He said he saw us that way as well.

When I look back on Blake and my relationship, I see that in us too.

I have always had a problem with taking everything too seriously and not just enjoying things for what they are at face value. Sometimes I get so interested in the most insignificant details that I miss the big picture. I over analyze, am hypercritical of myself and others, and it's very hard for me to just relax. Blake always laughed that he was exactly the opposite. My weaknesses were his strengths.

He did such an amazing job making light of stressful situations, letting little things slide off his back, and truly just living life moment to moment, focusing on things that made him happy and made others around him happy too. But these wonderful aspects of Blake were also a hinderance to him. Being so spontaneous gets you into a lot of trouble because you don't anticipate challenges or plan for setbacks. Always doing what makes you happy means putting off less glamorous but ultimately vital things. He told me I inspired him because the things he needed to work on were my strengths. He inspired me too.

The fact that we were opposite in this way was sometimes frustrating, but we both saw the value in each others strengths and the potential lessons we could take from loving and sharing a life with someone who possessed those qualities. Blake and I both believed that you should constantly be working on ways to better yourself and that a soul mate was your partner in this. We respected each others strengths and weakness and truly saw how we could grow together.

So based on my definition of a soul mate, I really don't think I could've been with a better partner. And part of the reason that losing him is so hard for me is that I feel like we were only just beginning to help each other grow into the people we were destined to become.

But if Blake fits my definition of my soul mate, where does that leave me now?

If I truly believe you only get one soul mate, and he was mine, does that mean I missed my chance at having a life long soul mate? Am I supposed to be alone forever now? Maybe I was his soul mate, but he's not mine? Or maybe I was the love of his life, but he wasn't mine?

Or maybe I have to change my definition of those two things. Maybe I have to start believing that some people have multiple soul mates, multiple loves of their life.


  1. I believe you can have one true soul mate, but you can also have other people who come close to being a soul mate, just not that one "true" and "forever" soul mate.

    1. I think maybe the label isn't the important thing. What is important is the true love we shared. Regardless of how long we loved each other on earth, I will love him forever. If that makes him my "soul mate" by any definition, then so be it.

  2. I believe you have many soul mates. I think we have a group of souls that we travel with across time. This may be a stretch for those who believe we did not exist prior to birth in this life. However that said, I think that soul mates are exactly what the term suggests. They are souls who have been together more often than not on this eternal journey. A soul mate could even be someone that you meet and have a very strong dislike for. That feeling you get when you just don't like someone, and have never "met" them before. A soul mate can be a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a husband, or even someone who just passes through your life briefly but helps you learn one very important lesson, or you help them learn something important that they are supposed to learn. I think a very important thing to remember is that when we lose someone it is only for a short time in eternity, and you will meet them again. It doesn't make very deep sorrow and pain disappear, but it does help to know that they are not gone forever.

    1. I just love this comment, thank you for writing it! I wrote this entry very early on in my grief, less than a month after Blake died. Because of this, I hadn't done all of the research and soul searching yet that I've done since then.

      After speaking with a medium and some really amazing people, I 100% agree with everything you've written to me. I love the idea of soul mates being from your past lives and bound to you in future lives as well. It's such a beautiful way to think about things and incredibly comforting.