Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Truth.

Today has been one of those days that I start to question everything. I find out one new piece of information and then suddenly I start a tail spin into the land of "what ifs" and "was this a lie toos".

I find myself digging and prying uncontrollably. It's like I'm on a quest to find out something that will hurt me and I can't stop myself. I know what I'm doing is dangerous and harmful, but I just have to know.

There's nothing quite like what I'm experiencing. When there are just so many lies, it feels like the only thing that will bring comfort is the truth. But what if the truth is potentially more detrimental? What if actually knowing the whole truth only exposes more questions?

I finally had to tell myself enough.

I actually had to say it out loud so my whole body could register it and I couldn't brush it off like another one of the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head.


These are my everlasting truths. These are the only things that matter now:
1. Blake and I were truly and deeply in love.
2. Blake had an addiction that completely consumed him. Any lies or hurtful things he said and did can be attributed to this disease.
3. There was an addict Blake and a real Blake. Real Blake was my true love and best friend. He was the Blake I was in love with and was completely in love with me.
4. Blake is gone in body, but will always be with me in spirit.
5. I have so much to live for and so many people who will continue to love and support me through this tragic time. I have the blessing of new family and friends in my life now that Blake brought to me. I need to love, cherish, and support them just as they have graciously done for me.

That is it.

I need to learn to calm my mind and only focus on these truths. These truths are all that matter now.


  1. You have no idea how incredibly helpful it is to real this entry, and really, your entire blog. I am going through something similar and it's like you're saying exactly what's on my heart. It makes me feel that this is my truth too. There is nothing I can do to change what's happened, nor is it my fault. You give me hope that eventually I am going to be okay! Thank you :)

    1. I am so sorry that you're going through something similar, but I am glad you found my blog. It's funny because this past month (July) was the first month since Blake died that I haven't written on here, so I was starting to think this blog was useless to have up anymore. Thank you for messaging me and showing that it can still have an impact!

      If you'd like to be in closer contact so you can have someone to vent to, I'd love for you to email me: brianaeve@gmail.com I'll always be there to listen and help in any way I can, even if it is just to know someone out there has somewhat of an idea of what you're going through :)