Tuesday, June 25, 2013

In Too Deep (A Dream)

I just woke up from a dream.

I'm not an expert, but I feel like the message of this dream was pretty clear. I'm going to explain what  it was and what my interpretation is.

Blake and I were living at this apartment complex with a whole bunch of our friends. It almost seemed like we were on vacation because we were having so much fun every day. We didn't have to work, we constantly had people around, and there were always activities going on.

Then Blake's family showed up and were very concerned. Blake died. They wanted to get to the bottom of it, so they started looking up his medical records and asking everyone what he had been doing with whom. I, of course, started helping them try to figure it out. I was so shocked! I started getting angry at everyone. How could my friends be using with Blake right under my nose?

After we had all gathered evidence, we sat down in a room and started going over it. There were records of prescriptions, where they were filled and by which doctor. A couple of our friends came to speak to us, telling stories about times they used with us. With us?

I was only half paying attention at first, but after I really started to listen, I realized the intervention was not about Blake, but about ME. I started to panic. I grabbed the medical records they were going over a second ago and realized they weren't Blake's, they were MINE. I looked at the faces of the people and they weren't Blake's family, it was MY family. I was so confused. I wasn't the drug addict, why was this happening to me?

This was not our apartment complex, it was a rehab. Why was I there? What went wrong?

Then I woke up.

Let me first preface this by saying I do not do drugs. At all.

After taking a second to get over the shock of waking up from such a crazy nightmare, I think I understand what it might have been trying to teach me.

My last blog post was about heroin. In the end I wondered a little bit about if your choices were even your own when you're an addict. I also was thinking a lot about the powerlessness one must feel when they are addicted to a drug. I said I'd never understand this feeling, so it was hard for me to understand Blake. I think this dream gave me the answers and the insight into what I was questioning before bed last night.

I think this dream/nightmare gave me the opportunity to feel how Blake might have felt either before going to rehab or at the end of his life. Clearly I had no idea in the dream I had a problem. Mine was even more extreme because I didn't even know I was doing drugs at all. When my family was trying to give me an intervention, I didn't even realize it was for me because I was so convinced in my head I was fine. I'm pretty sure even at the end of my dream before I woke up, I still hadn't really accepted that my family had any right to be concerned about me. I thought it must have been a mistake and was trying to think of other people that clearly were worse off than I was that I could divert the attention to.

Maybe I'm interpreting this wrong, but I feel like this dream was my first dive into putting myself in Blake's shoes for a moment. I have felt sorry for him and wondered why he did the things he did and made the choices he made, but I never tried to really understand how it was possible to not get help and not know how deep into his addiction he was.

So much to think about.

No comments:

Post a Comment