Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The Sparkle

A message from a friend this morning:
"I noticed in the pictures you've taken recently your eyes seem to have more life in them. Like there's more of a sparkle and happiness that they didn't seem to have for so long."

I looked at the picture I posted from yesterday that she was referring to. After finishing my last final, a friend and I had an impromptu leaf fight/photo shoot outside of the building. It was ridiculous, but special. I saw all of the crispy, fall leaves (it's December, but hey, I live in California) coating the ground and I had an overwhelming urge to play in them. So I did.

My life has been a lot like that recently. I get a pull in my heart to do something, so I do it. Whether that means throwing a bunch of leaves with a friend, chasing a sunset to the beach, or giving myself permission to stay in bed all day long to read. I do all of these things without second guessing. I figure that if my heart wants something, it's for a reason. Maybe I don't know why, but I figure that's not the point. The why comes later; the importance lies in the now.

I believe living this way is the reason the sparkle has started to return to my eyes. Trying to understand how I got to this point, I reread one of the poems I wrote back in August called "Recent Photographs." In it, I talked about the light in my eyes that had dulled. No matter who I was with or what we were doing, my eyes appeared somewhat lifeless. But when I wrote that poem, I knew that that shimmer hadn't died out; there was still hope. I didn't know when this hope would start resurfacing in my gaze, but I believed it was in there. And now, I think it finally has started to emerge.

This transition started with me finally "Facing Mirrors". I don't feel ugly anymore, like I did for the first six months, but I'm not quite at the stage of feeling beautiful again. Blake really made me feel beautiful, every single moment of every single day. It's amazing how a person can do that for you. And it's incredibly hard not knowing how to get that confidence back. I look back on the pictures of a girl so obviously in love with the man next to her and I revel at my beauty. I looked so wonderful... I want to look wonderful again someday.

And I will, beginning with the sparkle. A sparkle in my eyes that shows my love for the world and the experiences I'm lucky to be a part of. Seeing every moment of every day as an opportunity to learn, grow, and take it all in. To read incredible books, chase sunsets, and play with leaves. I will be beautiful again, once I realize that I have been beautiful all along.

6 comments:

  1. I had the same thought when I saw this picture. I'm so glad you have started to find healing. Thinking of you! - Lynne

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  2. The greif is finally starting to lesson and your true beauty and courage are starting to rise to the surface again. Its nice when the Thunder clouds start to go away to reveal the sunshine yay

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    1. It is really nice :). Thank you for all of your support and encouragement, Autumn

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  3. Finally. I am so very proud to call you a friend. It is so hard to not hear how beautiful you are even with no makeup and in sweats. Every time Id walk into a room he would always tell me these sweet things. I am finally at the point where I can tell myself I dont need those words, I am beautiful and the struggle makes me feel so much more special. You know after all of this Blake is looking down thinking I thought she couldnt be more gorgeous when I was physically with her but her strength thru this proves me wrong. We had the sweetest men to ever walk this Earth. Just keep shining!! It is showing.

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    1. I was thinking about trying to give myself affirmations when I look at myself in the mirror. I know that sounds totally cheesy and will feel ridiculous, but I am definitely the type of person that loves compliments and people saying sweet things to me. Blake was always the one who did that for me before and it made me light up and walk with so much more confidence. Maybe I can try to do that for myself? I don't know... I might feel too ridiculous doing it hahaha

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