Sunday, January 19, 2014

San Francisco

I didn't anticipate it being this hard. The Bay Area was our playground, our home. Walking around and seeing the places where we used to go makes me miss him. Makes me miss us.

I haven't had this achy feeling in my heart in a while. It's the kind of weight that follows you where ever you go. All day. I may not consciously be thinking about  him, but there's a sadness I can't shake.  I thought I was better, but this feels like square one.

I realized a couple weeks ago that I was finally at a point where the idea of a guy hitting on me didn't make me want to throw up. In fact, I was open to it. Although this gave me mixed feelings, I was proud of myself. It didn't feel natural to feel this way after eight months of being afraid of any male interaction, but I figured this was a good step.

But now, this weekend, I've been missing Blake more than ever. Is this a regression? Can I be open to meeting new guys at the same time that I wish Blake was still here? I know it won't make sense to anyone else, but I think I can. I'm trying my best to navigate my relationships with new guys, but I understand more and more every day that I will never know the "right" thing to do. All I can do is trust my gut and only do what I feel comfortable with.

Instead of beating myself up for missing Blake so much this weekend, I'm going to use it as an opportunity to reminisce and feel good. We had so many amazing memories in San Francisco. This was a city of fun, exploration, and relaxation for us. Anytime we were here, we were having the time of our life. So while I'm here, I'm going to honor that.

The best gift I could give to Blake is enjoying this city as much as he would want to.  As for meeting other guys, that's a different story. I will continue to stumble through that aspect of this process for a while.  However, I'm starting to understand that just because I miss Blake doesn't mean I've regressed. I will miss him the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I don't have the capacity to love someone else with all of my heart. All I can hope is that if I meet someone I am interested in, he will understand and respect that.

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