Monday, April 21, 2014

P.S. I Love You

Yesterday I turned on the TV and caught the last 15 minutes of the movie "P.S. I Love You." I had seen it before, but I didn't really remember what it was about. All I knew was that the main character's husband died and she was randomly getting letters from him that he pre-wrote to help guide her.

Once I remembered what the movie was about, I almost changed the channel. Did I really want to subject myself to that? Obviously it was going to make me cry, so why torture myself? But something inside me was telling me to put down the remote. So I did.

I guess there was tension throughout the movie between the main girl and a guy. He spent the whole movie falling in love with her, but she was in no place to think about anyone but her late husband. In one of the last scenes, she allows him to read the final letter from her late husband:

I couldn't find a clip of what happens next, but right after he finishes reading the letter to her, she kisses him, indicating that she realized she loves him and is ready to be with him. Then she says, "I can't feel him anymore. He's not here," explaining to this new guy that her husband is gone. She had felt him with her the whole year since he passed away, but in that instant she could no longer feel her husband's presence. She was ready to let go.

Because I like to think of everything as a sign put in my path for some important reason, I immediately started wondering why I turned on the TV to this particular movie, at this particular scene, during this particular moment in my life. What was Blake trying to tell me?

I wish I needed to see this because I'm in the same position as the main character: looking at a man who is completely right for me, but unsure if it's ok to fall in love again. In that scene, the letter was her late husband's way of letting her go and telling her it was ok to open her heart to this other man. But that's not the case yet for me. Instead, I feel like I was meant to watch this to hear the very last part of the letter:

"Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal when life as you know it ends."

I realized very quickly that I haven't gotten that signal. No guy that I've come across since Blake has made me feel like my life will never be the same again. When I kissed Blake for the first time, it meant something. I didn't know what that kiss was the start of, but I knew it was the start of something meaningful, powerful, life-changing. I got that signal with him, but haven't since.

I was reminded in this moment that it's ok to wait for that. It's ok to be alone and hold out for someone really special. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to date and prove I'm "normal," which lead me to accept being treated in a way I don't deserve to be treated. I had recently asked Blake for guidance with someone, but I went ahead and ignored what I knew in my heart that I should do. This scene finally got me to realize that if the signal isn't there, then it's not worth it.

But the other, equally important side of this message is that when I do get that signal, I shouldn't be afraid. I will need to be open to it and let myself fall in love again- even if that means that I won't feel Blake's presence anymore. Because after they kiss and she says "I can't feel him anymore. He's not here," it's a scary, but ultimately good thing. It doesn't mean she stopped loving her husband, it just means she's finally ready to let go and fully embrace the rest of her life.

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