Create Your Own Signs

Sometimes (most of the time) my mom ends up telling me the exact answer I need to hear before I even know what the question is. Do all moms have this magical power or is mine just even more amazing than I already thought? I'm thinking it's both.

We got into a conversation tonight (the messages are split up into three sections, forgive me if the formatting is confusing) about what I want moving forward. Do I want to learn how to connect and talk to Blake? Or do I want to distance myself so I can start moving forward? I am struggling to pick because choosing seems impossible. But at the same time, having it both ways seems like an inherent contradiction.

After my mom suggested I look up how to contact people who've passed away, I tried to explain to her that I'm not sure if that is what I want. I don't necessarily have things I want to say to Blake or things I need to hear him say, I just have a desire to know he's always there. Especially in my weakest moments, I want to have confirmation that he's looking out for me.

She responded by telling me that I already know Blake is watching over me and I need to be secure with that. I don't need continual reminders.

I pushed back a bit and insisted that constant reassurance is what I crave. Maybe I second guess his presence so much that I need those outward signs to remind me. Maybe if I have proof that he's watching over me, I can focus on other things. If I don't have to question that he's always going to be there, I can move forward.

This is where my mom employed some tough love. Basically I was sounding like a needy, insecure girlfriend. When Blake was alive, did I ask him to tell me he loves me all the time and assure me that he was there for me? Of course not. First of all, that would've been extremely annoying and self-conscious. Second of all, it wasn't necessary. When Blake was alive I never questioned his love for me. I always knew that no matter what he would be there for me, comfort me, stand by me, and support me. Why would it be any different now?

    It isn't.

Probably the most profound part of our conversation came in the final part. This was one of those pearls of wisdom that my mom gave me before I even knew I was asking for it. Even now I'm kind of in awe of her insight. When I explained that maybe I just like getting signs because receiving them makes me feel good and renews my faith our connection, she simply told me "Give them to yourself."

Give them to yourself? Can you even do that?
Yes. Absolutely, one hundred and fifty percent, yes.

Although these are not the grand signs like finding the blue heart-shaped sea glass or an old email popping up on my computer screen out of no where, these kind of signs are just as important. The signs I give myself might actually be more important because they come from within my own heart.

There is a confidence in our love that dwells inside of me. It is so strong that it could sustain me even if I never get another sign from Blake again. This belief doesn't need the validation of anyone else because to me, it is as indisputable as fact. If I can tap into that internal truth and bring it out, I create conviction in Blake's presence that won't disappear. Distance, time, and the doubt of others won't affect my certainty that Blake is with me. That's what it means to be self-sufficient. That's what it means to create your own signs.

The Blue Heart

Somewhere in my darkest moments of searching for strength, I rediscovered the word resilience. For me, resilience meant acknowledging the weight in my heart and committing to fight each day by carrying it with respect. This pledge of resilience was sparked by a quote that I found: "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" I posted a picture of it on my Instagram with a caption that read "Resilience" followed by a blue heart and a bear.

The bear was a pretty straightforward choice because Bear was a name that I called Blake. The blue heart was chosen mainly because I remembered Blake telling me that his best friends from high school used to call him Blue. I'm pretty sure he got this nickname simply because he liked to wear a lot of blue clothing (high school boys are so creative). I also chose a blue heart because it didn't feel right to use a cheerful pink heart when mine felt so sad. I chose blue because it reflected the sadness of loss. And from that point forward, all of my Instagrams about Blake included the little blue heart emoji.

(Fast forward to a couple months later) As I shared in the post about Blake's birthday, I had a really hard time figuring out what to say to him as I sat at his grave. For several minutes I stared at the assortment of sand, shells, and sea glass that Blake's mom had offered me to give to him as a present. While zoning out, one of the dark blue pieces of sea glass caught my eye. I picked it up and noticed that it was almost heart shaped. I squeezed it tightly in the palm of my hand, brought it up to my heart, and sent a message to Blake. Finding the heart gave me the inspiration I needed to connect with him. 

After I finished, I looked over the piece of blue sea glass again and realized that it was almost the exact same size and shape as the heart already engraved on Blake's headstone. When Blake's mom and Nana came back over, I told them the story and showed how it matched up perfectly. Blake's mom thought that this must be a sign and encouraged me to get super glue to affix the sea glass to his headstone. Now the blue heart is a permanent part of it.

As I was reflecting on this meaningful moment after I got home from Blake's birthday weekend, I decided that I wanted to get a piece of jewelry with what had now become a very significant blue heart. Not only was the blue heart something I had been using all along in the captions of my pictures of Blake, but now a blue heart in the form of sea glass had popped out at me and helped me find the strength to deliver Blake a birthday message at his grave. On top of all of that, while I was searching for jewelry with blue stones, I discovered that the blue sapphire is the birthstone of September, the month Blake was born in. It was all too serendipitous and perfect.

The blue heart necklace I ordered arrived in the mail yesterday. When I wear it, I will think about the different blue hearts that have become part of my life thanks to Blake. I will think of Blake's best friends, who gave him the nickname Blue that inspired the little blue heart emoji in all of my pictures. I will think of his family, who generously allowed the blue heart shaped sea glass to become part of his headstone in the same way they have lovingly taken me in. And I will undoubtably think of the loss of my true love, Blake, whom I will carry with me forever inside of my own blue heart. 

But most importantly, when I wear this blue heart I will think about resilience, the word I vowed to live by when my connection with the blue heart first began. The blue heart will remind me that courage doesn't always roar. Resilience is not about bouncing back immediately with smiles and positivity. Sometimes bravery is a quieter determination, slow, but with consistent resolve to always try again tomorrow. 

A Sign From Blake

I thought about Blake a lot today. These thoughts weren't particularly sad or focused on anything specific, he was just on my mind in a general way. I think it's because it was my first day of school and I wanted to talk to him about it. But for whatever reason, he just seemed too far away. I tried to feel connected to him, but it wasn't working. Maybe that's why I was having a particularly hard time falling asleep tonight.

To make myself sleepy, I started going through a syllabus from one of the classes I had today. I honestly don't know how it happened, but while I was scrolling through, an old email I sent to Blake and saved as a word document months ago popped up on my screen. It was the weirdest thing. How did it get there? I decided to read through it:

"Blake,

I thought I was going to bed early tonight, but after our talk I’m wide awake. Usually when this happens I like to write down my thoughts to clear my head. So to help me fall asleep I decided to write you a letter to let you know what’s on my mind.

November 21^st, 2012 1:54 AM (Yes, I scrolled all the way back to the beginning of our text messages, it took like 15 minutes haha): “Maybe I was a wuss because I did not say it to your face, but I didn’t want to be a creep! But you are extremely beautiful! Thank u for the ride! I really do appreciate it!”

I was so pleasantly surprised when I got that text message from you. I spent the night hanging out with you and your friends, but I didn’t think for a second you were interested in me. After that text message, we spent the next couple days talking, flirting, and getting to know each other. It was really refreshing. I had gone through a pretty upsetting break up several months earlier and ever since, I hadn’t found a single guy I even enjoyed talking to. Every time I saw that I had a message from you I smiled. It felt good to be excited about someone.

I was so nervous when you picked me up for the Suns game. I didn’t really realize until after you were on your way that I asked you out on a date. As someone who is pretty traditional when it comes to that stuff, that was clearly something I’ve never done before. I tried to get Chris to tag along to make myself feel less lame about it, but looking back I couldn’t be happier that it ended up being just the two of us.

That first date really opened my eyes to the type of person you are. Less than ten minutes into the game I felt like I already knew your life story- the good and the bad. You had nothing to hide and felt completely comfortable with who you are. I liked that. But the night I came over and we failed at watching a movie was when I knew I liked you. You told me all about your geeky side, made me feel so relaxed around you, and gave me the most amazing first kiss I’ve ever had with anyone.

Since then everything has moved quickly, but felt so right. We missed each other so much after that first weekend that you were crazy enough to buy me a last minute flight to come see you and I was crazy enough to take off of work and come. That weekend we had the talk about what was happening between us and what we wanted. I knew it was a huge commitment to start a long distance relationship, but I also knew I wouldn’t be happy unless we gave us a chance. Kissing you on your couch after we made things official was the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

I know we both have our flaws. I know long distance relationships are far from ideal. But I also know how incredibly blessed I feel for having you come into my life and how every time I see you (whether in person or on the computer) my heart melts. Anytime I feel too far away or you’re frustrated with me, I want you to remember how it felt the first time we kissed. I want you to remember the nights we stay up really late telling each other things we’ve never shared with anyone else. Think of where we started and how far we can go together.

You have made me so unbelievably happy. Thank you for making me the luckiest girl in the whole world.

Love,

Briana"

Our first date :)

I haven't gotten any "signs" from Blake in a while. In the beginning, I felt like he was always trying to communicate with me. Things kept happening that couldn't be just a coincidence, they felt like direct messages from him to me. But for the past month or so, I haven't experienced anything remotely close to what I did at first. I was beginning to feel like he sensed I didn't need him anymore, that he was trying to distance himself from me so I could move on. 

Although there is probably a logical explanation as to how this particular document popped up on my computer screen tonight, I choose to believe it was Blake. I sent him that email after we had been dating for a couple months and long distance was starting to wear on us. We ended our video call that night feeling far away from each other and frustrated. I couldn't sleep because I needed to figure out a way to lift his spirits. It killed me to see him so lonely, so I wrote that message to remind him how special our connection was and why we were committed to being together even under these less than ideal circumstances. 

And tonight, in reading that message again Blake lifted my spirits in the same way I intended to lift his. Although the distance is even greater now, I was reminded that he is still close to me. As long as I remember the special connection we share, I will never be lonely.  

Are You There, Blake? (A Letter)

This is the last thing I am going to post retroactively. I thought it was important because it reminds me of my struggle to feel some sense of contact with Blake. I was (and still am) adjusting to the fact that the one person I shared absolutely everything with at all times of the day (whether it was in person, on the phone, or by text) is no longer there. Or is he? It is such a hard adjustment to know my best friend and love can't be there to comfort me, laugh with me, cry with me, and grow with me. Or maybe he can? See the dilemma... it's so weird.

I wrote this on his Facebook when I woke up in the middle of the night and started thinking about this: