Facebook Relationship Statuses After Death: Part 2

Back at the end of September, I wrote a post about my Facebook relationship status. In the kind of world we live in today, how you present yourself on social media seems to be inextricably linked with who you are. Which is why after Blake died, it felt impossible for me to change my relationship status back to "single." I wasn't ready for people to see me as single and I most definitely didn't feel like my relationship with Blake was over. So, even after uncomfortable inquires about it from friends, I kept "In a relationship with Blake Norvell" on my profile.

At first when people asked me about it, I would tell them, "I don't want to change it because I'm still in a relationship with Blake," or "Blake is still my boyfriend." Although this didn't seem weird to me, I could tell that it left some people worried about my mental stability. But I told myself it was alright, they didn't have to understand. They could never really understand anyway.

But in the last month or so, I noticed that my answer to this question started to change. When asked about why it still said I was in a relationship with Blake, I explained that seeing it on my profile made me happy. Plus, it gave me a quick shortcut to click his name and go straight to his page whenever I wanted to look at old pictures or see if anyone wrote to him. "Besides", I always added, "it's not like I am dating anyone else. If I get to that point with someone, I'll change it out of respect for him. But until then, if it doesn't matter to anyone else why bother updating it?"

If you've looked on my Facebook profile in the last week, you might have noticed that I no longer have a relationship status. That's because I finally made the decision to hide it from everyone but me. When I look at my profile it says "in a relationship with Blake Norvell," but to everyone else it says nothing. Did I do this because I don't feel like Blake is my boyfriend anymore? No. Did I do it out of respect for another guy? No, again. So why did I do it?

Immediately after Blake's death, I was hit with crippling insecurity. I wanted so desperately to prove that he was the man I always thought he was and that our relationship was real, that I over compensated. I didn't want Blake to be seen as just some tragic overdose story, so I illustrated his compassion and character to anyone who would listen. And I didn't want myself to be looked at as some unfortunate, naive girl, so I detailed our love story in an effort to show everyone how real it was, despite the circumstances. I didn't want anyone to think I was embarrassed of him or our relationship. I wore our relationship with defiant pride. No one could make me believe less about him; his struggle was indisputable, but his heart was always pure. But to be completely honest, I think I was doing all of this more in an effort to prove it to myself than to anyone else.

But now, I'm at a stage where I'm internalizing my love and connection with Blake. I finally feel like I have nothing to prove to anyone- not even to myself. The last part of that sentence is even more important than the first, because I believe it is the key reason why I don't need the relationship status to validate anything. I am happy with my moments with Blake and don't need the world to know about them. Of course I'm still an open book, and sharing all of myself is part of my personality, but I do so now without the agenda of battling insecurity.

Protectors and Assailants

When I go out, I start sorting guys into two groups: protectors and assailants. I quickly label everyone in my head in order to navigate my way through the night. Although this strategy keeps me present for a while, it always ends the same way. Slowly and then all at once, I shut off completely. And when I get to this point nothing anyone says can bring me back.

The assailants in a bar are easy to spot. They look at me, my skin crawls, and I know. When they talk to me I feel nothing and everything all at the same time. I've tried to describe this panicked feeling before, but the exact words to explain it are still elusive. I fight to hold conversations with assailants as long as I possibly can, but eventually their every word, every movement pushes my heart to a cliff. As I near the edge, the alarms sound in my head and I have to excuse myself to find my nearest protector.

Protectors are guys I know well and have a level of trust in. Their close proximity to me is never a threat, but not always a comfort either. As they see me start to unravel, they hold me like a fragile piece of porcelain. Cradling me too cautiously, encasing me so I don't shatter. They create a barrier between us and the rest of the world so that no one can touch me. Although I'm grateful for this at first, inevitably I panic again. Not in the heart stopping way that the assailants incite, but instead this panic squeezes my lungs. I lose my ability to breathe, suffocating under the weight of their fierce protection.

And then I'm alone.

Not physically, as my protector won't leave my side, but mentally I've rowed myself to an island of my own making. I sit there as the ocean laps at my oars, trying to coax me back in. But I can't. I won't. I refuse. I've made my choice to disconnect and now I'm lost to the world.

As I shut myself off from this confusing crowd of protectors and assailants, I search inside myself for you. You reassure me that things won't always be like this; I need to be patient. That someday, I'll be ready to stop labeling guys as either protectors or assailants. Little by little, I'll start viewing them as they actually are. Not just there to attack or defend me, but as real people who are searching for connections in the same way I am.

So even though it feels like there's you and then there's everyone else, I'll wait. I'll keep attempting to find my way through the safety and the set backs, the challenges and the comfort, the help and the hurt. Because I know on the other side of it is a world full of love. A world that I'll belong to again if I take my time.

Lost Lips

Blake and I would have to go weeks without kissing. With me in California and him in Arizona, sometimes our lips had to be hundreds of miles apart. During those periods, they would wait impatiently on our faces. Once they knew each others' touch, an existence quietly perched between nose and chin would never be enough. After they tasted sweet purpose, they changed. They knew how it felt to come alive, so they lived in anxious anticipation of their next embrace.

Especially after longer gaps between reunions, our lips met with overpowering urgency. It was as if they had been holding their breath all along and were finally able to greedily gulp in oxygen. They were completely consumed with each other. Inseparable to the point that it was hard to tell where one set ended and the other began. So when one set ended, the other couldn't begin again.

Now my lips are just lips. 
They no longer get the chance to feel and lust and love. They reluctantly hold their place between my cheeks and resent me for leaving them there. Filled with memories of when they used to dance freely, my lips fight to imagine their phantom partner. They fall silent in defeat, waiving a white flag to signal their surrender. And so they lay dormant. In defiant refusal to live a life any less than the extraordinary one they once knew.

But even though hope is faint, they still cling onto the dream that maybe one day
they will come alive again.

     

Create Your Own Signs

Sometimes (most of the time) my mom ends up telling me the exact answer I need to hear before I even know what the question is. Do all moms have this magical power or is mine just even more amazing than I already thought? I'm thinking it's both.

We got into a conversation tonight (the messages are split up into three sections, forgive me if the formatting is confusing) about what I want moving forward. Do I want to learn how to connect and talk to Blake? Or do I want to distance myself so I can start moving forward? I am struggling to pick because choosing seems impossible. But at the same time, having it both ways seems like an inherent contradiction.

After my mom suggested I look up how to contact people who've passed away, I tried to explain to her that I'm not sure if that is what I want. I don't necessarily have things I want to say to Blake or things I need to hear him say, I just have a desire to know he's always there. Especially in my weakest moments, I want to have confirmation that he's looking out for me.

She responded by telling me that I already know Blake is watching over me and I need to be secure with that. I don't need continual reminders.

I pushed back a bit and insisted that constant reassurance is what I crave. Maybe I second guess his presence so much that I need those outward signs to remind me. Maybe if I have proof that he's watching over me, I can focus on other things. If I don't have to question that he's always going to be there, I can move forward.

This is where my mom employed some tough love. Basically I was sounding like a needy, insecure girlfriend. When Blake was alive, did I ask him to tell me he loves me all the time and assure me that he was there for me? Of course not. First of all, that would've been extremely annoying and self-conscious. Second of all, it wasn't necessary. When Blake was alive I never questioned his love for me. I always knew that no matter what he would be there for me, comfort me, stand by me, and support me. Why would it be any different now?

    It isn't.

Probably the most profound part of our conversation came in the final part. This was one of those pearls of wisdom that my mom gave me before I even knew I was asking for it. Even now I'm kind of in awe of her insight. When I explained that maybe I just like getting signs because receiving them makes me feel good and renews my faith our connection, she simply told me "Give them to yourself."

Give them to yourself? Can you even do that?
Yes. Absolutely, one hundred and fifty percent, yes.

Although these are not the grand signs like finding the blue heart-shaped sea glass or an old email popping up on my computer screen out of no where, these kind of signs are just as important. The signs I give myself might actually be more important because they come from within my own heart.

There is a confidence in our love that dwells inside of me. It is so strong that it could sustain me even if I never get another sign from Blake again. This belief doesn't need the validation of anyone else because to me, it is as indisputable as fact. If I can tap into that internal truth and bring it out, I create conviction in Blake's presence that won't disappear. Distance, time, and the doubt of others won't affect my certainty that Blake is with me. That's what it means to be self-sufficient. That's what it means to create your own signs.

Connecting With Blake

Sometimes at night, when I lay perfectly still, the wheels in my brain stop spinning. The incessant and ever-present buzzing in my mind takes a pause. Instead of a million thoughts racing around, bouncing off of each other, crashing, and colliding, there is peace.

I become hyper aware of my breathing. My lungs swell and my chest rises, my lungs deflate, my chest falls. Air streams into my nose and swirls ever so softly inside of it. I feel a burst of coolness before it leaves to return to the outside. This repeats over and over and over again. Rhythmic... Even... Stable...

Gradually my body gets heavier, but I acclimate to its weight in the most effortless way. My bones settle quietly within my skin as I slowly melt into my bed. I sink into the mattress almost as if I was meant to be part of it my entire life. I grow roots into where I lie.

My mind is finally calm enough, my breathing steady enough, body still enough, to feel Blake. Although tears well up and leak out through the bottom of my shut eyelids, I am not sad. I am not only happy, but complete.

Sometimes I see Blake and sometimes I just hear his voice. But the way he looks or the things he says are never the important parts of this experience. The most spiritual, emotional, moving piece is how my heart feels. In those brief, but incredible moments there is no hole inside of it. The constant ache that has become as much a part of me as the blood that flows through my veins, disappears. I am who I am, but bigger, myself, but stronger, me, but absolutely and positively whole.

He leaves me, but his kiss lingers on my lips. Although goose bumps cover every inch of my skin, I am the farthest thing from cold. The warmth of his embrace cloaks me like a security blanket. The ripples in the sound waves he caused with his voice act as a soothing lullaby. I drift comfortably into sleep knowing that's where he's waiting for me.

Not Ready to Move On

Back in April, Blake and I attended the wedding of one of my best friends from high school. Last night, as she and her husband were watching the reception video, she noticed that the videographer caught some moments of Blake and me dancing together. She recorded these shots with her phone and sent them to me in a text.

Today, I uploaded the clips to my computer so I could watch them again. The first moment I paused at was when Blake and I locked eyes. The way I looked at him can't be described as anything other than pure love. I know in that moment I was looking into his eyes thinking about how incredibly lucky I was to be dancing with him.

The second time I paused was at the point when I nestled into his shoulder and his hand came up to hold the back of my head. I started thinking about how good it must have felt to be held so lovingly like that. I wished with my whole heart that I could remember exactly what that felt like. As I replayed these clips, I began to wonder if I'd ever feel that in love, safe, and comfortable with anyone else ever again.

I closed my laptop and started wailing. My eyes filled so completely with tears that I couldn't see anymore. My mouth audibly struggled to take in air while it released moans of discomfort. Each hand grasped the opposite shoulder trying to hold onto myself as tight as possible. I ended up rocking back and forth, shaking and squeezing harder. I tucked my head into the crevice of my crossed arms as I continued to cry. At least all balled up like that my shrieks were muffled. I hoped that my neighbors were out like normal people enjoying their Saturday night. I hoped no one had to suffer through hearing such a soul shattering sound.

As this response subsided and I started to regain my composure, I was caught off guard by the intensity of my reaction. I had watched those clips earlier today and smiled with a quick, happy well of tears in my eyes. Why did re-watching them this time lead to a breakdown?

I tried to answer this question by thinking about the moments I chose to pause for and figuring out how they made me feel. In the first one I looked at Blake in a way that I can't imagine looking at anyone else. In the second, I was held in a way that makes me nauseous just thinking about anyone besides Blake holding me. After analyzing that, I think the reason I started freaking out was because I am realizing that I may not want to be with anyone else for a really long time.

I know that no one means to put pressure on me, but every once in a while people say insensitive things that make me feel awful about my "progress." It may be as harmless as saying, "When you're in your next relationship..." or as overt as, "I know a guy that I want you to meet. I think you'd really like him." I understand these people are only trying to help, but is it that awful that I'm still in love with Blake? That the thought of another man's interest or touch feels akin to a brutal attack? That I'd rather be alone than even entertain the idea of letting another man into my life?

Today marks four months since Blake passed away. For me, four months might as well be yesterday. In my heart Blake is still my boyfriend. I wish that wasn't considered weird or sad or pathetic by people who have no way of understanding what this feels like. I guess I just have to let them judge me. All I can do is have confidence that I'm doing what I need to be doing at a pace that feels right to me.

A Sign From Blake

I thought about Blake a lot today. These thoughts weren't particularly sad or focused on anything specific, he was just on my mind in a general way. I think it's because it was my first day of school and I wanted to talk to him about it. But for whatever reason, he just seemed too far away. I tried to feel connected to him, but it wasn't working. Maybe that's why I was having a particularly hard time falling asleep tonight.

To make myself sleepy, I started going through a syllabus from one of the classes I had today. I honestly don't know how it happened, but while I was scrolling through, an old email I sent to Blake and saved as a word document months ago popped up on my screen. It was the weirdest thing. How did it get there? I decided to read through it:

"Blake,

I thought I was going to bed early tonight, but after our talk I’m wide awake. Usually when this happens I like to write down my thoughts to clear my head. So to help me fall asleep I decided to write you a letter to let you know what’s on my mind.

November 21^st, 2012 1:54 AM (Yes, I scrolled all the way back to the beginning of our text messages, it took like 15 minutes haha): “Maybe I was a wuss because I did not say it to your face, but I didn’t want to be a creep! But you are extremely beautiful! Thank u for the ride! I really do appreciate it!”

I was so pleasantly surprised when I got that text message from you. I spent the night hanging out with you and your friends, but I didn’t think for a second you were interested in me. After that text message, we spent the next couple days talking, flirting, and getting to know each other. It was really refreshing. I had gone through a pretty upsetting break up several months earlier and ever since, I hadn’t found a single guy I even enjoyed talking to. Every time I saw that I had a message from you I smiled. It felt good to be excited about someone.

I was so nervous when you picked me up for the Suns game. I didn’t really realize until after you were on your way that I asked you out on a date. As someone who is pretty traditional when it comes to that stuff, that was clearly something I’ve never done before. I tried to get Chris to tag along to make myself feel less lame about it, but looking back I couldn’t be happier that it ended up being just the two of us.

That first date really opened my eyes to the type of person you are. Less than ten minutes into the game I felt like I already knew your life story- the good and the bad. You had nothing to hide and felt completely comfortable with who you are. I liked that. But the night I came over and we failed at watching a movie was when I knew I liked you. You told me all about your geeky side, made me feel so relaxed around you, and gave me the most amazing first kiss I’ve ever had with anyone.

Since then everything has moved quickly, but felt so right. We missed each other so much after that first weekend that you were crazy enough to buy me a last minute flight to come see you and I was crazy enough to take off of work and come. That weekend we had the talk about what was happening between us and what we wanted. I knew it was a huge commitment to start a long distance relationship, but I also knew I wouldn’t be happy unless we gave us a chance. Kissing you on your couch after we made things official was the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

I know we both have our flaws. I know long distance relationships are far from ideal. But I also know how incredibly blessed I feel for having you come into my life and how every time I see you (whether in person or on the computer) my heart melts. Anytime I feel too far away or you’re frustrated with me, I want you to remember how it felt the first time we kissed. I want you to remember the nights we stay up really late telling each other things we’ve never shared with anyone else. Think of where we started and how far we can go together.

You have made me so unbelievably happy. Thank you for making me the luckiest girl in the whole world.

Love,

Briana"

Our first date :)

I haven't gotten any "signs" from Blake in a while. In the beginning, I felt like he was always trying to communicate with me. Things kept happening that couldn't be just a coincidence, they felt like direct messages from him to me. But for the past month or so, I haven't experienced anything remotely close to what I did at first. I was beginning to feel like he sensed I didn't need him anymore, that he was trying to distance himself from me so I could move on. 

Although there is probably a logical explanation as to how this particular document popped up on my computer screen tonight, I choose to believe it was Blake. I sent him that email after we had been dating for a couple months and long distance was starting to wear on us. We ended our video call that night feeling far away from each other and frustrated. I couldn't sleep because I needed to figure out a way to lift his spirits. It killed me to see him so lonely, so I wrote that message to remind him how special our connection was and why we were committed to being together even under these less than ideal circumstances. 

And tonight, in reading that message again Blake lifted my spirits in the same way I intended to lift his. Although the distance is even greater now, I was reminded that he is still close to me. As long as I remember the special connection we share, I will never be lonely.  

Triggers

There is such an overwhelming sadness that has settled into my heart. It's there, lurking, hidden delicately under a seemingly normal facade. I can try my hardest to ignore it, put it out of my mind, pretend it doesn't exist, but the sadness always resurfaces. Without fail. At any given moment I am a slight nudge away from tears. Anything can set me off:

• I wake up in the morning and my first thought is you.
• I see the picture from our first date framed on my nightstand. I check my phone and the background is us at the aquarium.
• I see soda. I see ice cream. I see basically any form of junk food that I know you would've wanted.
• It's 11:11, I make a wish like we always did. I remember begging you to tell me yours, but knowing it was always about us and our future together. I was wishing for that too.
• I pass a dog that I know we would've talked about for the next 10 minutes. I realize we'll never buy our Moose or Milo puppies.
• I mention your name because I like how it sounds and I need to hear it. I watch as people grow uncomfortable and don't know how to react.
• I see a young couple in love. I see an old couple in love. I wonder how I can ever feel that kind of love with someone who isn't you.
• I see the ocean and remember that San Diego was our dream. 
• Someone asks me how I am. I lie and say I'm ok. I realize I'm not ok.
• I hear a song we loved to sing to on the radio. I hear a song I hate but would've listened to because you would've loved it. 
• The sunset is beautiful.
• I get frustrated and seek your guidance. You always knew what to say to make me feel better.
• I actually start to have fun with my friends. A wave of guilt swallows me. I'm not having fun.
• I purposely start thinking about you. Memories of us happy, deeply in love, and smiling replay in my mind.
• You aren't here to kiss me goodnight.
• I squeeze Blake Bear.
• I beg you to please come to me in my dreams so maybe we can be together for a little while tonight. It's been too long. I need you with me.

Every minute is a battle, every day is a war. 

Although I may appear fine, my heart is wrestling with constant triggers of sadness. Can I acknowledge these thoughts, but let them pass silently? Do I give in to them and let the tears flow freely? Should I try my hardest to avoid the things that I know set me off? Do I even want to stop being set off?

Right now, the thought of not thinking about you is scarier than letting my thoughts be consumed by you. So I allow myself to live with the triggers and even seek them out at times. At least if I'm thinking about you, you're alive in my mind. If I can cry about you, at least I know my heart is still capable of feeling something.

Sadness has embedded itself so deeply into my heart that I actually find comfort in it now. It's a strange sense of familiarity, of safety. In a time when so much has been taken away from me, at least I know my sadness will always be there. At a point where I'm constantly having to put on a front, least I know that my sadness in genuine. I need the triggers. I welcome the sadness.

Being Alone

The beach is literally a five minute walk from my new apartment, but until today I hadn't gone. This was because I was waiting for someone to go with, but all of my friends here have jobs to go to during the day. The thought of going by myself seemed weird, lonely, and sad. But since today was such a sunny and beautiful day, I decided to finally go even though I felt strange about it.

As I was walking up to the beach, an older couple was holding hands, carrying their fold-up chairs, and searching for the perfect spot. I ended up laying my towel a few feet from them.

They were both reading silently for a while, occasionally looking up from their books to smile at each other. At one point, the woman seemed to get bored of her book and started talking to the man. He attempted to keep reading while responding to her, but when this proved too difficult, he put his book in his lap so he could talk. After a few minutes, they both went back to reading. A few more minutes passed and I looked back over at the couple. I noticed that the man's book was back in his lap and he had reached over to grab the woman's hand. She held his hand as she struggled to turn the page with the other, until she decided she'd rather just hold his hand and put the book down. They leaned back in their chairs, held hands, and smiled at each other while enjoying the sun's warmth.

I got teary-eyed while watching them and thinking about how much I wish I could be there with Blake doing the same thing. But the weird thing was that even though the couple had what I wanted, I was not upset by them. Instead, I was so filled with happiness because of how obvious and true their love was, even after all of these years.

I've experienced similar things to this a lot since Blake's death. Usually after a break up, the sight of anyone in love makes me sick. I think it's a mix between jealousy and repulsion. But obviously what happened to Blake and my relationship wasn't a break up, so I think that's why I feel completely different. Now, I cherish love even more. When I see two people in love and happy, all I want to do is root for them and wish them the very best. Thanks to Blake, I know true love is the greatest feeling in the world. Everyone deserves to experience it.

This started me thinking about what I need now. If being in love is the best feeling, wouldn't feeling that way again help me feel better? Maybe losing my boyfriend left me with a hole in my heart that can only be filled by another boyfriend? Almost immediately as those thoughts crossed my mind, I dismissed them. No, that can't possibly be the right way to go about healing my broken heart. First of all, you can't successfully try to fall in love, and second, how unfair would it be to attempt to start a relationship with someone else when I am clearly still in love with Blake?

This whole discussion in my head made me reflect upon the fact that I initially stopped myself from going to the beach because I thought it would be pathetic to do it alone. Why did I think that? What's so bad about being alone?

Nothing.

I think I've subconsciously held the belief that to be truly happy, I need to be in a relationship. Somehow, having someone claim me as their girlfriend was validation of my self-worth. See? I am lovable, the fact that I have a boyfriend proves it. Someone out there thinks I'm good enough to be with me and only me. Being in a relationship made me feel like I was a person worthy of love.

But that's not what true love is about. Some of the loneliest people I know are in "serious" relationships. When I see couples like that, I am the opposite of envious. I feel bad for them because by continuing to be together, they are actually holding each other back from finding true love. No one should be in a relationship just because they are afraid to be alone. Because they're scared about what being alone might say about their worth. Because they are worried that if no one is in love with them, they aren't lovable.

By stopping myself from doing things, experiencing things, enjoying things because I am alone, I am reinforcing my flawed thinking that a person needs to be in a relationship to be truly happy. Like I've always believed, your soul mate isn't meant to "complete" you. A functional and lasting relationship isn't based on two people "needing" each other.  True love develops when two individuals, whole in their own right, share a similar vision for their future, see how they can grow together, and become best friends who happen to also be attracted to each other.

In order to get to a place where I can be that for someone else again, I need to be that for myself first. Now that I have been forever changed by this experience, what do I see in my future? What things do I need in my life to help me continue to grow? How can I be my own best friend now?

I see myself as an old woman, reading at the beach, smiling, and holding hands with my husband. I know that will be my life one day. For now, I am going to enjoy being alone. Even writing "enjoy being alone" feels forced and fake right now, but someday soon it won't.

Although I can't control when I find true love again, I can control how truly I love myself. 

How to Cope with Someone Coping

Dear Friend,
I know I might make you feel awkward. I understand. I still don't feel comfortable being around myself and I live in this skin all day, every day. The very fact that you are even thinking about me, thinking about what I'm going through, is enough. The idea that you put aside your own day-to-day struggles to think about me, even just for a minute, is incredible. Know that I feel it even when I'm just crossing your mind. It gives me strength. It helps.

What do you say to someone going through something difficult? You say everything, you say nothing, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you reached out. Just hearing your voice, reading your message, or feeling your hug fills my heart back up a little bit. If you give me advice, I'll acknowledge it, I'll politely say thank you. Will I use it? Probably not. Should you be offended? Absolutely not. Did it still help anyway? Yes.

And if you want to do something? Please don't just do what's best for me, or what you think I need. How could you possibly know without asking? If you guess that I need to be distracted, I might be dying inside to talk to you about it, but not wanting to be the one to call attention to it and ruin the mood. If you try to talk incessantly about what happened, I might be wishing you would just stop and keep my mind off of it instead. But if you ask me which of those options would make me feel better, I probably won't have an answer for you. Don't be frustrated, because even just asking me that question is enough to let me know you care.

I feel like a burden, even if you reassure me a million times that I'm not. To me, you all seem happy and normal and I don't want to have any part in bringing you down. You deserve to be smiling and I don't want to take that away from you. Thank you for offering to be there for me though, that alone is all that matters. Even if I don't allow you to help me, you're helping me. Being reminded that I have a friend like you is all I can ask for in this difficult time.

Love,
Your Friend

Video Tribute to Our Love

A beautiful video put together by Tiana Chavez to commemorate Blake and my relationship. 

I really needed this tonight. Thank you for being annoying and always insisting on taking videos of us. The love I see in our eyes and the pure happiness on our faces reminds me that my deep sadness is only a result of having experienced a love that was profoundly beautiful.

True Love

I have a message from Blake saying, “For the first time in my life, I feel like the person I love loves me equally. I was afraid that was never going to happen. You are the best friend and lover I have been looking my whole life for.”

I was terrified that wasn’t going to happen for me either. Until I met Blake.

The summer before I started dating Blake (while I was going through a breakup), I had a philosophical discussion about love with one of my good friends. I had recently read a book where one character said that in every relationship there is a lover and a person who is loved. Although these roles might not be outwardly apparent, at the root of every relationship, these two roles always exist. After my friend and I argued back and forth about this a bit, we decided that it was basically true.

After thinking a lot about those two roles, I resigned myself to believing I was always going to be the lover in a relationship. I could never picture myself being truly happy with someone if I felt like I didn’t love him with my entire heart. Sure, there’s more “safety” in being the one who is loved, but that didn’t matter to me. If I don’t feel like my life would be incomplete without a person, there would be no reason for me to be with him.

That same friend talked to me the other day about him being the “lover” in his relationship and how that was frustrating at times. I paused before I started to empathize with him. I began thinking about Blake and my relationship and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out which one I was, the lover or the one who was loved. Did our relationship not reflect those two roles that I had been so positive every relationship has?

And that’s when I realized for certain that I had found true love with Blake Norvell.

“For the first time in my life, I feel like the person I love loves me equally.” How beautiful to have experienced that with someone. Although the tragedy for me really lies in how short of a time Blake and I had together, at least those months were filled with the realest relationship I’ve ever had. I feel incredibly sad today, but incredibly lucky.

Addiction From a Girlfriend's Perspective: To Stay or Go?

Today I woke up to everything I needed to hear.

In my inbox there was a message from an old friend saying my writing has encouraged him to finally come clean to his girlfriend about his addiction. He told me that the way I've processed things showed that "there's compassion and love for people like me from people like you."

I started to cry. First because I was so proud, and second because I was so happy that even with all the questioning I've done, it's still clear that I love and forgive Blake.

At times I feel like I am betraying him by exposing the things I have, but when I've asked myself "Is this helpful? Would this make Blake proud?" I have always been able to answer yes to both of those questions. Although I'm sure Blake would want everyone to think highly of him and who he was, I hope that finding out about his addiction doesn't change that. If anything, I know he would want his death to act as a way of him helping others, since he was always doing that in life. Without a doubt if he knew that his death could serve as a wake up call to his friends or even strangers, he would want me to share his story and my experience in a heart beat.

The friend that messaged told me that he wanted to tell his girlfriend about his addiction, "in such a way that she'll stay with me and still love me even when knowing me fully. I'm terrified, but I know it's the right thing to do." Although there is no way to guarantee that she won't break up with him, I gave him my best advice:

"Honestly, I would've stayed with Blake had he told me and made it clear that he knew he had a problem and was willing to completely surrender to treatment. When he went to rehab the first time, he came out going to meetings less and less frequently and still drinking alcohol and smoking weed. Although at the time I didn't think that was a big deal, I know now that was a sign of him not taking his addiction seriously."

I truly believe a person can recover from addiction. I know it's possible. However, sobriety cannot be taken lightly. In my very limited experience with the subject, I've come to learn that addiction is a life-long battle and needs to be treated as such. Just because you get clean and finish rehab doesn't mean you're cured.

Does a girlfriend or wife want to spend the rest of her life worrying about a relapse? Never fully trusting her partner? Always looking for warning signs? It's definitely possible I would've signed up for a life like that, but only if I was 100% sure of two things:
1) He knew he had a serious, life-threatening problem
2) He was willing to do everything in his power (including getting help when things were beyond his power) to stay sober for the rest of his life

Love makes you do crazy things that don't make sense to other people, even walking away from someone who you are completely in love with. I know I would've eventually had to make the choice to end our relationship if I was only even 90% sure of the two things.

Unfortunately, neither of the two things fully applied to Blake and that was what killed him. In the end, I never had to decide for myself if I wanted to stay or leave because his mindset and actions made the choice for me.

Soul Mates?

I have been struggling with identifying Blake as my "soul mate" or the "love of my life" because to me, that makes his death and losing him so much more tragic.

I've always thought that there is just one soul mate out there for me: the person who will become my husband. However, I realize there are probably hundreds of definitions of soul mates. I'm sure some people believe you can have multiple soul mates and some who think that they don't exist at all. But what I've always believed is that you have one true soul mate and he is the person you're meant to spend the rest of your life with.

My personal definition of a soul mate is someone who compliments your strengths, respects
your weaknesses, and is there to support your growth using both his strengths and weakness. He's the person who's going to challenge you, call you out on your bullshit, and not let you get away with being any less than you're meant to be. I don't see a soul mate as someone who you're exactly alike or is your "other half." How would we evolve as individuals if we spend our lives with someone who is the same as us? Our negatives would just multiply each others negatives and our positives would seem less positive. And if we think of soul mates as the other halves of us, isn't that saying we're not whole people without them? I think it's damaging to view yourself that way.

I think I got these ideas because I truly believe my parents are soul mates. I watch them and I just know that they were destined to be together. They definitely are dissimilar in many ways, but I don't think that means they "complete" each other. Neither of them has something missing that they need to provide one another to make each of them whole. Instead, it's more like they help each other grow in all of the right ways due to their differences. Blake said the same thing was true for his parents. He said he saw us that way as well.

When I look back on Blake and my relationship, I see that in us too.

I have always had a problem with taking everything too seriously and not just enjoying things for what they are at face value. Sometimes I get so interested in the most insignificant details that I miss the big picture. I over analyze, am hypercritical of myself and others, and it's very hard for me to just relax. Blake always laughed that he was exactly the opposite. My weaknesses were his strengths.

He did such an amazing job making light of stressful situations, letting little things slide off his back, and truly just living life moment to moment, focusing on things that made him happy and made others around him happy too. But these wonderful aspects of Blake were also a hinderance to him. Being so spontaneous gets you into a lot of trouble because you don't anticipate challenges or plan for setbacks. Always doing what makes you happy means putting off less glamorous but ultimately vital things. He told me I inspired him because the things he needed to work on were my strengths. He inspired me too.

The fact that we were opposite in this way was sometimes frustrating, but we both saw the value in each others strengths and the potential lessons we could take from loving and sharing a life with someone who possessed those qualities. Blake and I both believed that you should constantly be working on ways to better yourself and that a soul mate was your partner in this. We respected each others strengths and weakness and truly saw how we could grow together.

So based on my definition of a soul mate, I really don't think I could've been with a better partner. And part of the reason that losing him is so hard for me is that I feel like we were only just beginning to help each other grow into the people we were destined to become.


But if Blake fits my definition of my soul mate, where does that leave me now?


If I truly believe you only get one soul mate, and he was mine, does that mean I missed my chance at having a life long soul mate? Am I supposed to be alone forever now? Maybe I was his soul mate, but he's not mine? Or maybe I was the love of his life, but he wasn't mine?

Or maybe I have to change my definition of those two things. Maybe I have to start believing that some people have multiple soul mates, multiple loves of their life.

You Build Me Up

One of my absolute least favorite things to do is drive, especially long distances. Which is funny because one of Blake's absolute favorite things to do was drive, especially long distances.

Against my better judgment, I decided to take this summer to drive from where I was living in San Jose,  to LA, to Orange County, to Arizona, then back to LA, back to the Bay Area, and then finally down to San Diego where I am moving. So basically, my whole summer is going to be a series of road trips in my car. And unfortunately these trips are just me, alone with my thoughts.

At first I was very, very worried about this. First of all, I hate driving. Second of all, I think being alone with myself too long has proven to be kind of dangerous for me because I end up making myself too sad or thinking incessantly about things.

But actually, during this particular five hour drive I just did today to Arizona, I was thinking a lot about how good this is for me. Because driving was something Blake and I did a lot together, it's actually brought up really wonderful memories of the two of us doing that. Anytime I flew into Arizona, we would have to make the two hour drive up to Prescott and then eventually the two hour drive back to the airport, and we spent my entire spring break doing a road trip up and down the coast of California. Clearly we spent a lot of time together on the road and made a lot of memories that way.

During my drive today, I thought of one specific memory that really just encapsulates Blake as a person and how being in a relationship with him always made me feel:

(Background)
Something that was really important to me when I was growing up in elementary school and middle school was singing. I was in choir, I did a lot of plays, had a lot of solos, so that was part of my identity. I really identified as a good singer. But over the years I kind of lost that. I had different priorities and got interested in different things. After I stopped being specifically involved in that activity, I guess I decided it was easier not to try to sing. No one I met from that point on ever knew I was a good singer or I ever had that tallent that meant so much to me when I was younger. It was always weird to me that something that was so fundamentally who I was and what made me me, was just gone. And I just let it go because I was too embarrassed to ever try once I felt I lost it. So it was easier for me to just pretend I was a bad singer. 

Blake and I were in the car and it was my turn to drive so he was in the passenger seat resting. I took this as an opportunity to listen to some of "my music." We would always argue over that because he liked pretty atrocious music, in my opinion, but we decided to trade off because gangster rap made him happy. Whatever.

After I turned on my music, I started to sing. I sang very quietly. I wasn't really doing it for him or for me, it just sort of came out. I didn't really think Blake was paying any attention because it was his turn to rest, but he sat up and looked at me and said, "Briana, why didn't you tell me that you have the most beautiful voice?" I immediately got really embarrassed, stopped singing, and explained "Oh I don't. I used to sing, but I don't anymore." And he turned down the music and grabbed my hand and said, "Why would you ever try to hide or downplay that? It's so lucky that you have a tallent like that."

I started to tear up because he was right. Not about me having a beautiful voice (I'm sure he was being overly generous with his compliments because he loved me) but for calling me out for ever trying to put myself down or make myself less than I knew I was. And that's how Blake always was, always building people up. He was always building me up and making me feel like I could do anything.

Blake told me from that point on whenever we were in the car I had to sing for him. After that, all of our road trips were filled with us singing to each other, which sounds silly, but it was so special to me. He saw that tallent in me and made me feel like I didn't have to be embarrassed of it (or the faded aspect of it) anymore and I could own it again. Blake made me feel like I could be completely myself when we were together because he loved every part of me.

The Truth.

Today has been one of those days that I start to question everything. I find out one new piece of information and then suddenly I start a tail spin into the land of "what ifs" and "was this a lie toos".

I find myself digging and prying uncontrollably. It's like I'm on a quest to find out something that will hurt me and I can't stop myself. I know what I'm doing is dangerous and harmful, but I just have to know.

There's nothing quite like what I'm experiencing. When there are just so many lies, it feels like the only thing that will bring comfort is the truth. But what if the truth is potentially more detrimental? What if actually knowing the whole truth only exposes more questions?

I finally had to tell myself enough.

I actually had to say it out loud so my whole body could register it and I couldn't brush it off like another one of the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head.

Enough.

These are my everlasting truths. These are the only things that matter now:
1. Blake and I were truly and deeply in love.
2. Blake had an addiction that completely consumed him. Any lies or hurtful things he said and did can be attributed to this disease.
3. There was an addict Blake and a real Blake. Real Blake was my true love and best friend. He was the Blake I was in love with and was completely in love with me.
4. Blake is gone in body, but will always be with me in spirit.
5. I have so much to live for and so many people who will continue to love and support me through this tragic time. I have the blessing of new family and friends in my life now that Blake brought to me. I need to love, cherish, and support them just as they have graciously done for me.

That is it.

I need to learn to calm my mind and only focus on these truths. These truths are all that matter now.

Speech From Blake's Funeral

Another post of old thoughts to make sure I have everything in one place. This is my speech from Blake's funeral. After I was asked if I wanted to speak at the funeral and immediately said yes, these thoughts effortlessly poured out of me. 

At first I thought I'd share about the millions of memories that had been flooding my brain non-stop since I found out he died. I thought it might be important to paint a picture of our love for everyone so people would know how truly wonderful our relationship was and how happy we were together. I stopped and realized this was not the purpose of speaking at his funeral. Especially after I found out none of his immediate family members were speaking, I felt an obligation to not only express what he meant/means to me, but how important all of his best friends and family members were to him too. He talked about them all of the time to me because they truly made him who he was. I figured if I was wrapping up the speeches at his funeral, I needed to make sure that was known.

Here it is:

It was always crazy to think that when we both started school at Brisas 18 yearsago the person I would end up falling in love with was sitting in a classroom right down the hallway. I had the privilege of growing up with many of the same people you did, but for some reason you and I never became friends until much later in life. I have so many memories of Timmy and Josh in Mrs. Grams 4^th/5^th grade class and those boys were two of your closest friends up until the day you passed away.

Growing up a grade behind you since elementary school, I always was envious of the people in your year. I think everyone else at Brisas, Aprende, and Corona saw how close you were and the incredible friendships that formed and endured all of these years. And you were at the center of it all.

When I came home for Thanksgiving, I remember going up to Ryan, Matt, Daryl, Chris, and you as you all greeted me with genuine hugs and we talked about old times. After driving you and Chris home that night, you got my phone number and sent me an awkward text message about how you were a wuss, I was beautiful, and you were glad we talked. When fate intervened and I had two extra Suns tickets later that weekend, I tried and failed to convince Chris to be our awkward 3^rd wheel even though we both swore that wasn’t going to be the case. I guess I was just too afraid to admit I was trying to ask you out on a date.

After I went back to California, you decided you didn’t want to wait until I went home for winter break to see me again. You asked if I would come out the next weekend and take Friday off if you got me a plane ticket. I decided why not. I didn’t know what was happening between us, but I knew I liked it and it was making me very happy.

And you continued to make me very happy. We fell so deeply in love and started planning our future together. It breaks my heart that we never got to cross off most of the items on our joint bucket list, but I am going to carry you with me for the rest of my life and hopefully cross them off for the both of us.

In preparation for celebrating our anniversary together, I was in the process of completing a scrapbook for you. Thank God we’re both just a little bit vain and loved taking photos of ourselves, because I have so many great memories of us that we captured that I’ll always be able to look back on.  Although I never got a chance to give you your present because I still had to finish the last couple pages, I wanted to make sure you got the card I wrote for you in the back:

“Blake,

When I first started making this scrapbook I was overwhelmed by how many adventures we’ve been on together. I know that being in a long distance relationship is difficult, but it has made us really cherish and make the most of the time we do get together. There was not a trip that went by without amazing pictures to document all of the fun things we were able to do. We truly are lucky.

I am so grateful for the past six months (excuse me, half year- since it sounds better ;) ) with you as my boyfriend. You have, without a doubt, made me happier than anyone else has ever been able to. I feel truly myself, and the best version of myself, whenever I’m around you. You make me laugh, challenge me to always look for the positives, and make me feel so safe and secure. I love you for how you make me feel, but also for who you are as a person. You are generous, sincere, and have the biggest heart out of anyone I know.

Thank you for everything you do for me and how special you always make me feel. I am so excited for the next six months and beyond with you. I can’t wait for all of the new adventures that are in store for us. I love you!

-Briana”

I just wanted to close by thanking everyone for making me feel so much a part of celebrating Blake’s life. Although I’ve grown up with most of you, your memories of Blake don’t include me. It’s just a testament to how wonderful your friendships were with Blake that you all have taken me in with open arms and made me feel so loved and supported. Blake loved you all more than anything and would’ve done anything for you. Even though he may have not seen you a lot towards the end, he was constantly talking about you and letting me know how important you all were to him. You were all his heroes and his relationships with you were his biggest source of pride.

To Blake’s family, my heart breaks for you. I know we didn’t get to spend nearly enough time together, but I truly love all of you. To his aunts and cousins, even though we never met it was always so good to see your support on Facebook practically anytime Blake or I posted a picture. You made us feel like celebrities. Juliana, I will forever remember the hour we spent laughing backand forth about Blake’s pen pal Fairy Dust. The picture you sent me after was such a highlight. I am eternally grateful for the lengths you went to to get my best friends to San Jose to be with me until I could come out here. Nana, Blake was always telling me about you and your late husband’s amazing relationship and how he wanted to travel the world just like you two did. Looking through all of your old albums together is such a beautiful memory that I will always cherish. Bill, your phone call after our dinner a week ago brought me to tears. Hearing you say all of those sweet things about me and how truly grateful you were that Blake found me made me happier than you’ll ever know. Stephanie, you have made me feel so loved and accepted from the moment I met you. Thank you for all of the phone calls we had these past few days and welcoming me into your home and your family.

I’m going to finish on a positive note because that was something Blake was always working with me on: stay positive, look on the bright side. I know in my heart the REAL Blake was my best friend, true love, and always had my back. We all love you Blake. We know you’re smiling down on all of us right now. Thank you for all of the laughter, memories, and unconditional love.