I hope I'm making you proud.
You told me that the thing you loved most about me is how genuine I am. Every day my driving force is being genuine. I try to be true to who I am in my interactions with others, how I cope with your loss, and how I express my feelings.
But sometimes I feel like I am lying to everyone. When I am smiling, dancing, chatting like I was today, it is incredibly draining. Do people know that it's all an act? That I am actually telling myself to smile? Forcing myself to be happy?
Does this make me less genuine?
I understand that sometimes in life it's ok to fake things. Especially when it comes to happiness, often all it takes is the conscious decision to be happy to make it happen. Although it might start out feeling like a lie, it eventually can become the truth.
I know it makes sense to do what I did today, but it still feels weird. Is it contradictory to be true to myself, yet also pretend to be ok when I'm not?
Can you help me with one thing? Please help me find this balance. I want to respect my grief and let myself feel all of the things I need to, for however long I need to feel them, but I also need to find a way to allow myself to be in a mindset where happiness can come back into my life. I don't want to put up walls, trust less, or be more guarded. If anything, I want to become more open, loving, and honest with myself and others. I know if I can do that, I will make you proud.
On a side note, I also want you to know that all of the crazy analyzing I've done (that I know is driving you crazy, but that's just how I am, you know that) really means nothing. In the end, it's only to keep my mind busy so I can focus less on how sad I am. If I'm able to ask questions, contemplate truths, and reflect on this process, it distracts me from how much I miss you. And I miss you so terribly.
I still love you with all of my heart. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about you.