Goose Bumps

I get waves of goose bumps all throughout the day. Even when it isn't cold, a shock of shivers will travel down my body. When this happens, I try to pay attention to what preceded it. I look for signs to clue me into the potential message these goose bumps are trying to send. I close my eyes and let the tingles cover me. The more I focus on them, the stronger they get. 

At night these goose bumps are overwhelming in the most beautiful way. The minute I touch my bed my skin becomes a sea of gentle prickles. It feels so good for my body to feel something, that I usually start to tear up. Instantaneously I know that it's Blake, welcoming me back for a night's sleep together.

Sometimes I'll ask him questions, aloud or in my mind, and I'll get responses in the form of goose bumps. I lay there, eyes closed, with a huge smile and a heart so full it could burst. I tell Blake that I love him and he answers me back with a powerful pulse. Every hair on my arm is raised and every pore is filled with gratitude. I drift off to sleep knowing that I'm safe and cared for. 

I've been hesitant to describe these experiences to other people because even to me it seems a little crazy. I know it makes no practical sense, but the more the waves of goose bumps happen, the more I feel like the only possible explanation for them is that it really is Blake. 

Tonight, I deferred to Google to help me make more sense of what's happening to me. I started with "What causes goose bumps?" and found very technical explanations of how goose bumps are a reflex associated with cold, fear, or an emotional reaction. I wasn't satisfied with that because the goose bumps I've been experiencing aren't just physical, they're spiritual. So I decided to go a different route and explore "Spiritual significance of goose bumps." I was hoping the internet would connect me with a meaningful way to interpret them in this regard.

The results of that search were less scientific, but so much more meaningful. It produced amazing articles and personal stories. Here are a couple of my favorites:

From a blog about connecting with your soul mate:

"You may feel the energy around you change, and sense there is another spirit there reaching out to you. Often our physical body responds with feelings of waves, goosebumps, or shivers. Once you feel that presence… Speak with them. Spirits can communicate through energy, which means your thoughts and feelings can be shared and theirs can be received. Space does not exist when working with the soul."

And this one is specifically about a mother getting goose bumps from her son who passed away, and he (through a medium) describes how he makes the goose bumps happen:

"I get up behind you, and I put my hand in your hair. Then I push my energy through the top few layer of your skin, but not to the bone. And just the muscles. Usually your body responds to an interference, a change in the environment, so your body responds with the goosebumps. That’s why it’s really location specific"

I could go on and on about the things that I found. I feel very validated in my conclusion that these goose bumps are actually Blake's way of communicating with me. Death doesn't seem so scary (and so removed from life) when I can think about things spiritually. Because energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it only makes sense that Blake's energy is still around. I feel so lucky that he has chosen to surround me with it and help comfort me with his presence.

It's Ok to Move Forward

Today I feel lighter.
There is a lightness in my body and mind that I haven't felt since before Blake passed away.

The medium called me again this morning to check up on me after our intense conversation the other night. He told me immediately that I sounded different. When he brought that to my attention I realized he was right. I did feel really different.

He said he was blown away by my connection with Blake. Initially he had some idea of the depth of it, but after talking with both of us he came to understand that our bond was greater than he realized. Probably greater than we even realized. It felt amazing to hear him validate what I already knew somewhere imbedded in the fibers of my being: what we had was special, what we still have is special.

What the medium acknowledged is something that I have had a hard time getting other people to understand. Moving on for me doesn't mean belittling my relationship with Blake, making it seem like we had less of a connection than we did, or making him out to be an unworthy person. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I recognize what a true love and soul mate he was to me, but the circumstances of where he was in life cut our time together short. Because he was unable to learn the lessons he needed to in this lifetime, a life together became impossible.

So my lightness comes not from a diminishing belief in the love that we share, but more of a comfortable detachment from Blake. This means that for the first time I can separate myself from him and our love to see the bigger picture. Although I believe Blake is one of my soul mates, because of his choices he is no longer meant for me in this lifetime. Desperately holding onto him will only end up holding me back from enjoying the rest of my time here without him.

The medium told me that as a gift, Blake said it is going to be his mission to connect me with a soul mate who can be all of the things he wasn't able to be for me. At first this scared me. Does admitting there is someone better for me conflict with saying Blake is a soul mate to me? Will moving on mean that I love Blake less? I can finally answer both of these questions with a firm "No." When that time eventually comes (which, admittedly, probably still won't be for a while) and I can see this new person as a gift from Blake, I know that it will be ok accept it and that I deserve it. Moving on won't mean loving Blake less, it will mean finally loving myself more.

Karmic Connection vs. Soul Mate

Last night when the medium explained to me that Blake and I had a "Karmic Connection" in this lifetime, I was really fascinated by this new term. I had never heard of it before, so I started to research it today. After spending hours on different websites, I found a ton of information on karmic connections, soul mates, and the differences and similarities between the two.

This made me think back to one of the very first entires I wrote in June called "Soul Mates?" When I wrote it, I was having an incredibly difficult time putting Blake and my relationship into perspective. Blake and I had talked about being each other's soul mate, but were we really? If he isn't here anymore and he was my soul mate, does that mean I'm never going to find love again? Can you have more than one soul mate? These were some of the questions I asked myself, but I never came up with any definitive answers. I settled on the fact that maybe I didn't need to figure it out.

Interestingly enough, every single website that I read was in agreement that people have more than one soul mate (but not necessarily in the same lifetime). They explained that because of free-will, missed connections, and the fact that not all souls will be on earth at the same time, the blue print created for your life includes a few soul mates with the hope that one or two will work out to be actual long term partnerships.

One website explained that although soul mates have Karmic Connections, not all Karmic Connections are with soul mates. This was something that confused me. After a lot more reading I think I have the concept figured out, so I will try to explain. When someone is your soul mate, they have an immediate pull and magnetic connection with you that makes you feel like you might have already met them before. What's confusing is that this is the exact same experience you feel when you meet someone whom you have a Karmic Connection with. The difference is that a soul mate is potentially with you for a lifetime, while a person with a Karmic Connection is only temporarily put into your life to teach you a lesson or solve unfinished business (from a past life experience together).

Going back to what the medium told me last night, he explained that he thought that Blake and I were married in a past life, but he betrayed me in some way. Because of this, Blake had bad karma with me that he needed to balance out in this lifetime. This is why the medium referred to what Blake and I had as a Karmic Connection. Blake was supposed to make up for this past betrayal by showing me true love. However, Blake repeated his same mistake in this lifetime and betrayed me again. For this reason, the medium said he wasn't sure if we would continue to meet up again in subsequent lifetimes.

So what does this all mean? The fact that he thinks Blake and I were married in a past lifetime could mean that he is one of my soul mates. However, due to the betrayal and missed opportunity to fulfill his Karmic Connection, it's possible that my soul won't choose to include him in my blue print in any more lifetimes. The medium told me it will be up to me to decide to give him another chance. But, he said I may not even want to once I meet the soul mate that comes into my life next. So will Blake continue to be a soul mate or was he just a failed Karmic Connection? I'm still not sure. But what I do know is there's so much love left for me in this lifetime that I have yet to experience. That should be my focus now because the rest can only be sorted out in another lifetime.

**Side note:
For anyone reading this who thinks I've gone off the deep end now that I'm talking about karma and past lives, I promise you I'm fine. I believe more and more every day that coping with the death of a loved one has a way of awakening your more spiritual side. Knowing that Blake is dead, it would send me spiraling down a black hole if I thought that was just it for him. Spirituality gives me hope that there's more to life than just the physical world and that even in tragedy, there is a bigger message from the universe at work.

Here is one of the websites I liked the most if you want to read more about Karmic Connections and soulmates : http://spirit-rising.wisdomwoods.com/tips/is-it-a-soulmate-or-a-karmic-connection/

The Medium Returns

Blake's mom sent me a message tonight telling me to call her. The medium that we talked to in June texted her saying that Blake came to him again. I called her up and she read the texts the medium had sent. Apparently Blake had been desperately trying to connect with the medium last week, but he was preoccupied with his own family stuff so he pushed it off until now. In his message he said several things, but the thing I latched onto the most was that he was very concerned with me not being happy. I froze. I asked Blake's mom, "Do you think he knew I spent my whole birthday and the day after trapped in my bed?"

Blake's mom gave me the phone number for the medium so I could get more information about his experience with Blake last night. We ended up talking for two hours as he gushed about Blake and how much he wanted to say to me.

The medium told me that last week he kept getting the feeling that he was supposed to check the bowl he uses for healing. Because he was dealing with family issues, he ignored this urge for a couple days. Two days ago he finally gave in and went to the bowl. Inside of it was a picture of Blake. When he connected with Blake's spirit, the first thing he started talking about was "birth." He told me he thought that meant someone could be pregnant, but I offered up the information about my birthday being last week. He immediately knew that must have been what Blake was talking about. There was a lot of concern around a "birth," but Blake passed along the message that it should be thought of as the start of a new beginning.

Although I'm not going to write about everything, one thing I will discuss is something that is still a bit unsettling to me. The medium told me that when I met Blake and felt that crazy, deep connection, it was actually because of something that had carried over from a past life. He said that he got the sense that Blake and I were really important to each other in a different lifetime (he thought perhaps that we were married), but that Blake betrayed me in some way. Us meeting again was something he called a Karmic Connection. A Karmic Connection means that our souls had unfinished business from a past life that he was supposed to resolve in this life. The purpose of us meeting was so he could learn the lesson he didn't learn in the past life time and come full-circle.

The medium said that Blake and I met so I could help rescue him from himself. Unfortunately, because of free will and poor decisions before he met me, Blake was unable to get back on the right track in this lifetime and correct his mistakes from our encounter in the lifetime before. I asked if that meant that we would find each other again in our next lifetime. Clearly Blake didn't learn his lesson, so we must still have that unfinished business. The medium said he was unsure. Blake had been given the opportunity to right his wrongs with me and failed, so it would be up to my spirit to afford him another chance.

I told him that I'm confident I'll give Blake another chance. I know myself; I would forgive anyone for almost anything. The medium kind of laughed at me. He said he had a feeling that when I meet my true soulmate, I am going to "find what I thought I had." He said he is positive that if what I felt with Blake made me this happy, then I'm going to be deliriously in love when I meet the person who is actually meant for me in this lifetime. I didn't know whether to smile or cry.

I never thought in a million years that I would believe in mediums, but I actually think I do. The things he was saying and the depth to which he understood Blake and my relationship was chilling. I'm not sure what to do with all of this information about "past lives," but it does help me feel better to know that Blake and I really did have a magnetic connection even though I never really understood it. Even though he wasn't the best version of himself for me because of his addiction, I could still see through to who he really was at a spiritual level. I wish I could have saved him from himself like I was meant to do, but the medium reassured me that that didn't happen because of Blake's choices, not mine.

Being Alone

The beach is literally a five minute walk from my new apartment, but until today I hadn't gone. This was because I was waiting for someone to go with, but all of my friends here have jobs to go to during the day. The thought of going by myself seemed weird, lonely, and sad. But since today was such a sunny and beautiful day, I decided to finally go even though I felt strange about it.

As I was walking up to the beach, an older couple was holding hands, carrying their fold-up chairs, and searching for the perfect spot. I ended up laying my towel a few feet from them.

They were both reading silently for a while, occasionally looking up from their books to smile at each other. At one point, the woman seemed to get bored of her book and started talking to the man. He attempted to keep reading while responding to her, but when this proved too difficult, he put his book in his lap so he could talk. After a few minutes, they both went back to reading. A few more minutes passed and I looked back over at the couple. I noticed that the man's book was back in his lap and he had reached over to grab the woman's hand. She held his hand as she struggled to turn the page with the other, until she decided she'd rather just hold his hand and put the book down. They leaned back in their chairs, held hands, and smiled at each other while enjoying the sun's warmth.

I got teary-eyed while watching them and thinking about how much I wish I could be there with Blake doing the same thing. But the weird thing was that even though the couple had what I wanted, I was not upset by them. Instead, I was so filled with happiness because of how obvious and true their love was, even after all of these years.

I've experienced similar things to this a lot since Blake's death. Usually after a break up, the sight of anyone in love makes me sick. I think it's a mix between jealousy and repulsion. But obviously what happened to Blake and my relationship wasn't a break up, so I think that's why I feel completely different. Now, I cherish love even more. When I see two people in love and happy, all I want to do is root for them and wish them the very best. Thanks to Blake, I know true love is the greatest feeling in the world. Everyone deserves to experience it.

This started me thinking about what I need now. If being in love is the best feeling, wouldn't feeling that way again help me feel better? Maybe losing my boyfriend left me with a hole in my heart that can only be filled by another boyfriend? Almost immediately as those thoughts crossed my mind, I dismissed them. No, that can't possibly be the right way to go about healing my broken heart. First of all, you can't successfully try to fall in love, and second, how unfair would it be to attempt to start a relationship with someone else when I am clearly still in love with Blake?

This whole discussion in my head made me reflect upon the fact that I initially stopped myself from going to the beach because I thought it would be pathetic to do it alone. Why did I think that? What's so bad about being alone?

Nothing.

I think I've subconsciously held the belief that to be truly happy, I need to be in a relationship. Somehow, having someone claim me as their girlfriend was validation of my self-worth. See? I am lovable, the fact that I have a boyfriend proves it. Someone out there thinks I'm good enough to be with me and only me. Being in a relationship made me feel like I was a person worthy of love.

But that's not what true love is about. Some of the loneliest people I know are in "serious" relationships. When I see couples like that, I am the opposite of envious. I feel bad for them because by continuing to be together, they are actually holding each other back from finding true love. No one should be in a relationship just because they are afraid to be alone. Because they're scared about what being alone might say about their worth. Because they are worried that if no one is in love with them, they aren't lovable.

By stopping myself from doing things, experiencing things, enjoying things because I am alone, I am reinforcing my flawed thinking that a person needs to be in a relationship to be truly happy. Like I've always believed, your soul mate isn't meant to "complete" you. A functional and lasting relationship isn't based on two people "needing" each other.  True love develops when two individuals, whole in their own right, share a similar vision for their future, see how they can grow together, and become best friends who happen to also be attracted to each other.

In order to get to a place where I can be that for someone else again, I need to be that for myself first. Now that I have been forever changed by this experience, what do I see in my future? What things do I need in my life to help me continue to grow? How can I be my own best friend now?

I see myself as an old woman, reading at the beach, smiling, and holding hands with my husband. I know that will be my life one day. For now, I am going to enjoy being alone. Even writing "enjoy being alone" feels forced and fake right now, but someday soon it won't.

Although I can't control when I find true love again, I can control how truly I love myself. 

The Medium: An Adventure in ESP

Blake's sister was stopped in a store the other day by a medium who felt extremely compelled to talk to her. She let him know her brother died recently, but that was it. He ended up coming over last night so he could deliver Blake's message to us. He did this for free because he felt like it was his duty since Blake came to him and asked him to do it.

I'm not sure how I feel about mediums, but Blake was VERY spiritual and believed in spirits, guardian angels, and an afterlife. He was always telling me about his grandfather, the signs he sent him, and how he watched out for him. The way Blake lit up when he talked about it made me want to believe too. I have always been somewhat spiritual too and Blake definitely brought that side out of me.

Going into last night, I was so nervous. I really don't know why.

My mom had told me a couple weeks ago about how she went to a medium after her best friend died. The medium gave her very specific information about something hidden that she needed her friend's daughter to find. It turned out to be completely true. After hearing that from my mom, a person who I respect above anyone, I was much more open to the idea. I knew it was something I would be interested in exploring down the road, but I wasn't quite sure if I was ready for it yet.

I'm not going to go into any specific details, but basically Blake told me everything I wanted to hear about us, our relationship, and how he is doing now. The medium had no idea how Blake died, but said some very specific things about what was going on with him and his regrets after he reviewed his life. Although a lot of the information was pretty general (things that any girlfriend would want to hear about her boyfriend, her importance in his life, and the difference in connection from any other relationship), there were a couple really specific things that only he and I would've known. When those few things were mentioned, it definitely gave me shivers.

Do I believe Blake was really there last night? Yes. Do I believe that the medium has a special gift that allows him to talk to people who have died? Maybe. Did I feel comforted after he talked to me? Yes.

I think the real important thing is that I answered "yes" to the third question.

Throughout this whole process, I've learned that anything that helps a person feel better is a good thing. If hearing all of those things from a person that didn't even know Blake made me feel at all more confident in their truth, then that's a great thing for my healing process. I can reassure myself a thousand times, and so can his family and friends, but I guess it's really different hearing it from the medium because it felt like it came directly from Blake (regardless of if it really did).

But honestly, all of that stuff did come directly from Blake because he told me it when he was alive.

I think I am now at peace with the whole "soul mate" thing I was questioning a few days ago. Even if I got nothing else out of our adventure in ESP, then that alone would make it worth it.

Soul Mates?

I have been struggling with identifying Blake as my "soul mate" or the "love of my life" because to me, that makes his death and losing him so much more tragic.

I've always thought that there is just one soul mate out there for me: the person who will become my husband. However, I realize there are probably hundreds of definitions of soul mates. I'm sure some people believe you can have multiple soul mates and some who think that they don't exist at all. But what I've always believed is that you have one true soul mate and he is the person you're meant to spend the rest of your life with.

My personal definition of a soul mate is someone who compliments your strengths, respects
your weaknesses, and is there to support your growth using both his strengths and weakness. He's the person who's going to challenge you, call you out on your bullshit, and not let you get away with being any less than you're meant to be. I don't see a soul mate as someone who you're exactly alike or is your "other half." How would we evolve as individuals if we spend our lives with someone who is the same as us? Our negatives would just multiply each others negatives and our positives would seem less positive. And if we think of soul mates as the other halves of us, isn't that saying we're not whole people without them? I think it's damaging to view yourself that way.

I think I got these ideas because I truly believe my parents are soul mates. I watch them and I just know that they were destined to be together. They definitely are dissimilar in many ways, but I don't think that means they "complete" each other. Neither of them has something missing that they need to provide one another to make each of them whole. Instead, it's more like they help each other grow in all of the right ways due to their differences. Blake said the same thing was true for his parents. He said he saw us that way as well.

When I look back on Blake and my relationship, I see that in us too.

I have always had a problem with taking everything too seriously and not just enjoying things for what they are at face value. Sometimes I get so interested in the most insignificant details that I miss the big picture. I over analyze, am hypercritical of myself and others, and it's very hard for me to just relax. Blake always laughed that he was exactly the opposite. My weaknesses were his strengths.

He did such an amazing job making light of stressful situations, letting little things slide off his back, and truly just living life moment to moment, focusing on things that made him happy and made others around him happy too. But these wonderful aspects of Blake were also a hinderance to him. Being so spontaneous gets you into a lot of trouble because you don't anticipate challenges or plan for setbacks. Always doing what makes you happy means putting off less glamorous but ultimately vital things. He told me I inspired him because the things he needed to work on were my strengths. He inspired me too.

The fact that we were opposite in this way was sometimes frustrating, but we both saw the value in each others strengths and the potential lessons we could take from loving and sharing a life with someone who possessed those qualities. Blake and I both believed that you should constantly be working on ways to better yourself and that a soul mate was your partner in this. We respected each others strengths and weakness and truly saw how we could grow together.

So based on my definition of a soul mate, I really don't think I could've been with a better partner. And part of the reason that losing him is so hard for me is that I feel like we were only just beginning to help each other grow into the people we were destined to become.


But if Blake fits my definition of my soul mate, where does that leave me now?


If I truly believe you only get one soul mate, and he was mine, does that mean I missed my chance at having a life long soul mate? Am I supposed to be alone forever now? Maybe I was his soul mate, but he's not mine? Or maybe I was the love of his life, but he wasn't mine?

Or maybe I have to change my definition of those two things. Maybe I have to start believing that some people have multiple soul mates, multiple loves of their life.

The Truth.

Today has been one of those days that I start to question everything. I find out one new piece of information and then suddenly I start a tail spin into the land of "what ifs" and "was this a lie toos".

I find myself digging and prying uncontrollably. It's like I'm on a quest to find out something that will hurt me and I can't stop myself. I know what I'm doing is dangerous and harmful, but I just have to know.

There's nothing quite like what I'm experiencing. When there are just so many lies, it feels like the only thing that will bring comfort is the truth. But what if the truth is potentially more detrimental? What if actually knowing the whole truth only exposes more questions?

I finally had to tell myself enough.

I actually had to say it out loud so my whole body could register it and I couldn't brush it off like another one of the millions of thoughts swirling around in my head.

Enough.

These are my everlasting truths. These are the only things that matter now:
1. Blake and I were truly and deeply in love.
2. Blake had an addiction that completely consumed him. Any lies or hurtful things he said and did can be attributed to this disease.
3. There was an addict Blake and a real Blake. Real Blake was my true love and best friend. He was the Blake I was in love with and was completely in love with me.
4. Blake is gone in body, but will always be with me in spirit.
5. I have so much to live for and so many people who will continue to love and support me through this tragic time. I have the blessing of new family and friends in my life now that Blake brought to me. I need to love, cherish, and support them just as they have graciously done for me.

That is it.

I need to learn to calm my mind and only focus on these truths. These truths are all that matter now.