Preoccupation with Death

I’m so hyper aware of mortality now that I scare myself sometimes.

When I see pictures of people I know with their friends, their families, their boyfriends, I imagine what would happen if they died. I wonder how their lives would change. I wonder how they would cope.

I think about how happy they look. They’re smiling so big, hugging so tightly, laughing so hard. I think about these moments that they’ve captured and imagine them turning into precious memories. I envision those pictures becoming the ones they weep over, show people, put in a frames next to their beds. 

Do they ever think about the fact that their loved ones might not always be there? That the pictures they shared could potentially be their last?

No, probably not.

They’re very lucky then. What a luxury it would be to not have to think about death.

I really miss the days when I viewed death as an abstract concept. Something that only concerned the elderly, the ones who had lived complete lives. It didn’t make their passing any less upsetting, but there was some comfort in knowing that their “time had come.” Death was just a final stage at the end of a full life. Unfortunately, I don't think about death like that anymore. 

It's scary to know that at any moment something could happen and a person you relied on, loved, adored, looked up to, took for granted, could no longer be there. And that's it. All you're left with is the pictures you took and the memories you shared. No chance to right wrongs or say the things left unsaid. 

I guess in a strange, twisted way it's not necessarily a terrible thing to be aware of mortality. Death is, in fact, the only certainty in life. Although there is a fine line between awareness and obsession, I think an understanding of the fragility of life is healthy.

When I see pictures of me with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, I imagine what would happen if they died. I wonder how my life would change. I wonder how I would cope.

I think about how happy we look. We’re smiling so big, hugging so tightly, laughing so hard. I think about these moments that we've captured in a picture and imagine them turning into precious memories. I envision that picture becoming the one I weep over, show people, put in a frame next to my bed. 

Do I ever think about the fact that my loved ones might not always be there? That the picture we shared could potentially be our last?

Yes, now I do.

I think I'm very lucky in a way. It's a luxury to reflect on the wonderful people in my life, why I appreciate them as people, how truly important they are to me. 

I wish my mind didn't preoccupy itself with thoughts of death, but it does. It's scary, but I'm learning to push myself to see the positives in it. Maybe I will think twice about holding grudges, be more willing to say I'm sorry, forgive, give compliments, give myself completely and whole heartedly to those I love. If I'm aware of mortality, I am aware that nothing lasts forever. What's important is not to wish for that to change, but to appreciate what you have while you still have it.