Although each 23rd is difficult (we would've been together for another month as a couple) and each 28th floods me with memories (the date he passed away), I think September 21st marks a different, possibly harder milestone. Blake's birthday is on Saturday. He would've been turning 26.
I couldn't be more grateful that his birthday happens to fall on a weekend this year. Without having to miss any school, I am going to leave immediately after class tomorrow and drive to Arizona. I am staying at his parents house and spending the entire weekend with his family. I can't imagine being able to spend it anywhere else with anyone else.
Blake's headstone was recently put in place, just in time for his birthday. On Saturday I am going to visit him in the cemetery for the first time since his funeral. How do I feel about this? Terrified, honestly.
What do you do when you visit the grave of someone you love and miss so much it hurts?
Do I go with other people so I have someone to hold me or by myself so we can talk in private?
Do I talk to him out loud or in my mind?
Do I avoid stepping on the dirt he is buried under out of respect or do I allow myself to collapse on top of him?
Do I look at the picture on the headstone, the grass beneath it, or at the sky?
Do I try to act strong so I don't scare the other people around me?
Do I allot myself a certain amount of time so I don't end up staying there all day?
These are the questions I can't stop myself from anxiously posing in my head. I know that whatever I do will be fine, but that doesn't prevent me from wondering anyway. I just hope more than anything I feel him with me. As long as he's there, it doesn't matter what I do.