Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Choosing Sadness

Some days I intentionally choose my sadness. I wake up and decide it would feel better to fully embrace how shitty I feel that morning. This hurt is like my favorite old Tshirt. It is unbecoming, oversized, and worn out. Under normal circumstances I would never wear it in public, but some days I just want to put it on. It is unseemly, but fitting. I can't be bothered with how it looks because it feels like exactly what I need.

This morning I chose sadness. I turned off my alarm, looked at his picture, and decided I needed to self-indulge. Waking up is hard. Reminding myself he's never coming back is painful. Adjusting to my new normal is so overwhelming that sometimes I'd rather not try. 

So I picked up the sadness that I called my old Tshirt. Putting it on felt comforting. I could relax in all of its baggy, giving fabric. The size of it made it possible for me to hide, to disappear inside of it for a while. 

I tried to take it with me to class. I wanted so badly to wear sadness all day long. But I was clothed by a room full of smiles, styled in the pursuit of knowledge, and adorned with the warmth of new friends. I looked down and found that I wasn't wearing my big Tshirt anymore. I was actually dressed for the day. 

At first I was upset. This morning I committed today to sadness, willingly gave myself over to be consumed by it. When I started to laugh, participate, and enjoy myself, it almost felt like going back on my word. I didn't want to be disloyal to my sadness because through everything, it has been my most consistent ally. I could always find it when I needed it. I could always slip back into its suffocating, but familiar embrace. 

But then I allowed myself to smile.
I realized that although today I chose sadness, happiness chose me. 


  1. this actually made me choke up at work today. another honest and beautifully written post. i know i've said this a million times, but i really hope you never stop writing. your posts remind me to reflect on my feelings a little more and embrace the good with the bad. love you!

    1. Thank you, Cristina! It's been scary for me to own up to the bad feelings as much as the "better" more acceptable feelings. It's really hard to admit when I'm depressed or angry. But these seem to be the times when I need to share what I'm thinking even more just so I can get it off my chest. In the end I always try to bring it back to something positive though, or something I can learn from these feelings.

      I just wanted to thank you again for being so supportive and sweet. It means more to me than you'll ever know that you've taken me into your friend group and made me feel so comfortable. I love you too!