Triggers

There is such an overwhelming sadness that has settled into my heart. It's there, lurking, hidden delicately under a seemingly normal facade. I can try my hardest to ignore it, put it out of my mind, pretend it doesn't exist, but the sadness always resurfaces. Without fail. At any given moment I am a slight nudge away from tears. Anything can set me off:

• I wake up in the morning and my first thought is you.
• I see the picture from our first date framed on my nightstand. I check my phone and the background is us at the aquarium.
• I see soda. I see ice cream. I see basically any form of junk food that I know you would've wanted.
• It's 11:11, I make a wish like we always did. I remember begging you to tell me yours, but knowing it was always about us and our future together. I was wishing for that too.
• I pass a dog that I know we would've talked about for the next 10 minutes. I realize we'll never buy our Moose or Milo puppies.
• I mention your name because I like how it sounds and I need to hear it. I watch as people grow uncomfortable and don't know how to react.
• I see a young couple in love. I see an old couple in love. I wonder how I can ever feel that kind of love with someone who isn't you.
• I see the ocean and remember that San Diego was our dream. 
• Someone asks me how I am. I lie and say I'm ok. I realize I'm not ok.
• I hear a song we loved to sing to on the radio. I hear a song I hate but would've listened to because you would've loved it. 
• The sunset is beautiful.
• I get frustrated and seek your guidance. You always knew what to say to make me feel better.
• I actually start to have fun with my friends. A wave of guilt swallows me. I'm not having fun.
• I purposely start thinking about you. Memories of us happy, deeply in love, and smiling replay in my mind.
• You aren't here to kiss me goodnight.
• I squeeze Blake Bear.
• I beg you to please come to me in my dreams so maybe we can be together for a little while tonight. It's been too long. I need you with me.

Every minute is a battle, every day is a war. 

Although I may appear fine, my heart is wrestling with constant triggers of sadness. Can I acknowledge these thoughts, but let them pass silently? Do I give in to them and let the tears flow freely? Should I try my hardest to avoid the things that I know set me off? Do I even want to stop being set off?

Right now, the thought of not thinking about you is scarier than letting my thoughts be consumed by you. So I allow myself to live with the triggers and even seek them out at times. At least if I'm thinking about you, you're alive in my mind. If I can cry about you, at least I know my heart is still capable of feeling something.

Sadness has embedded itself so deeply into my heart that I actually find comfort in it now. It's a strange sense of familiarity, of safety. In a time when so much has been taken away from me, at least I know my sadness will always be there. At a point where I'm constantly having to put on a front, least I know that my sadness in genuine. I need the triggers. I welcome the sadness.