Thursday, August 1, 2013

How Losing Blake Feels

"I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you."

I want you to imagine being naked. Not physically, but emotionally. Any of the walls you've built up to protect yourself from judgement, to make you look cool, or fun, or pretty- gone. You've gotten to a point with someone where you don't need to make excuses about why you are the way you are. As annoying as you may be, you're not only accepted, but cherished. You really have no idea how a person could possibly see all of your flaws and still like you, let alone love you, but somehow he does.

Now imagine how hard it must have been to get to that point. These walls you've built up are referred to as walls for a reason. They aren't gates that can be swung open or even doors that can be unlocked if you have the right key. They are walls. Tall, sturdy, unyielding. It doesn't matter how they were built, but they are there now. As much as they frustrate you, you need them. You've grown attached to them in a way that is unhealthy, but comforting.

Imagine the freedom that comes with having these walls knocked down. Not only knocked down, but they vanished completely. You feel like you can't even remember a time when these walls even existed because they are such a distant memory. There you are, standing there, completely and unapologetically naked in front of someone. How does it feel? What would you do? You feel like you can say anything, do anything, be anything. Anything and everything is possible because of that person and how he makes you feel.

Now imagine that being taken away from you without warning and without any chance of getting it back.

That's how it feels losing Blake. 

And I say "feels" not "felt" because I have to wake up every day and realize all over again that he's gone.


Why do I share my deepest thoughts, fears, questions, and emotions so publicly now?
Maybe I don't want to give up the feeling Blake showed me of being completely naked.
I don't want my walls back.
I don't want to part with the idea that anything and everything is possible.

Perhaps if I love the whole world like I love Blake, with no fear, no reservations, no walls, and complete nakedness, maybe it'll see all of my flaws and not only like me, but love me too.


  1. Replies
    1. I'm not sure who you are, but I bet I love you too :)

  2. I am astonished at what you have already gained as an individual by enduring this devastating loss. You have taken this horrific experience and turned it into an opportunity to not only gain knowledge, but to take what you have learned and educate others. You are a true teacher, Briana. I'm so glad that you have decided to keep your blog accessible to the public, continuing to teach and console yourself and your readers. Your writing is powerful and elegant and the content is raw, heart-wrenching and comforting. I read your posts and not only do they portray an honest woman, crushed by the loss of her soulmate, but they show the transformation of a woman, fighting every day to be a good person and to educate herself about things she finds important (like the disease that took the life of a loved one). You have shown so much growth through your writing and I can see that you have learned a great deal about not judging others. I think you're learning to stop judging yourself as well. The reason I wrote this post is to congratulate you on your honesty, bravery, and ability to be "naked" in your writing. You are helping people. Thank you for helping me. Be happy. Be brave. And never stop writing.

    1. Wow! I want to know who you are because I would love to give you a hug. It was incredibly thoughtful of you to write me such a sweet message. I am so proud that you see all of that in me. And through your comment, I am beginning to realize I need to start seeing all of that in myself too.

      I really loved how you pointed out " have learned a great deal about not judging others. I think you're learning to stop judging yourself as well." What I've been realizing lately is that so much of my current struggle is not about Blake, but about having patience with myself. I've come to terms with his addiction and his death and looked past it to acknowledge him as the wonderful person he truly was. I think my struggle now is to allow myself the same suspension of judgment. I have always been too hard on myself, which was something Blake always told me.

      Thank you again for such a sweet message :)