Monday, August 19, 2013

Part of Me

Today I felt good. Good might not seem like a convincingly positive adjective, but it is. Being able to confidently say I feel good without lying is huge. I feel calm, optimistic, and grateful for my life. 

After such a good day of orientation at SDSU and feeling like my life has renewed purpose and direction, I felt an overwhelming need to share my happiness with Blake. As I looked through old pictures and text messages to feel connected to him, I came across these:

As I was reading that, two parts really stuck out to me. In the first, he said, "I wish there was somehow I could help you feel my body and hear my voice reassure you whenever you are down..." Obviously he meant that in terms of him being in Arizona and me in California, but in our current context it applies more than ever. I can't see him or hear him, but I know our love is there. I know what he would say to me, how he would comfort me, the way he would build me back up so I would feel like I could get through anything.

I think Blake can still do that. His love and the confidence it instilled in me doesn't have to leave me just because he's not here anymore. The way he made me feel and the way he believed in me changed me. That influence will never go away. 

The second part that made me reflect was this: "And when you are sad briana.... it hurts me." From the beginning, everyone has told me Blake would want to see me smiling and enjoying life, not mourning him. Although I've always known that's true, before now it seemed pretty much impossible. And honestly, I think it would have been doing myself a disservice in the long run. But now, for the first time, that advice is beginning to feel applicable. I'm at a point where I am ready to smile, ready to focus on the bright side of his life. Will I still cry? Absolutely. But at least now enjoying life doesn't seem like an unreasonable endeavor. 

I'm starting to wrap my mind around the idea that Blake really is part of me now. If I truly believe that I carry him with me wherever I go, I feel strong. Of course it's devastating to know he will never physically be with me again, but this blow is lessened when I realize that I never have to say goodbye completely. He can be the reassurance in my head telling me to go for it. He can be the pulse in my heart that beats with pride for me. And his words can be a reminder that I'm at my most beautiful when I'm honest, genuine, and smiling. 

Blake is alive because he's part of me, and part of everyone he impacted. 

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