It's Ok to Move Forward

Today I feel lighter.
There is a lightness in my body and mind that I haven't felt since before Blake passed away.

The medium called me again this morning to check up on me after our intense conversation the other night. He told me immediately that I sounded different. When he brought that to my attention I realized he was right. I did feel really different.

He said he was blown away by my connection with Blake. Initially he had some idea of the depth of it, but after talking with both of us he came to understand that our bond was greater than he realized. Probably greater than we even realized. It felt amazing to hear him validate what I already knew somewhere imbedded in the fibers of my being: what we had was special, what we still have is special.

What the medium acknowledged is something that I have had a hard time getting other people to understand. Moving on for me doesn't mean belittling my relationship with Blake, making it seem like we had less of a connection than we did, or making him out to be an unworthy person. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I recognize what a true love and soul mate he was to me, but the circumstances of where he was in life cut our time together short. Because he was unable to learn the lessons he needed to in this lifetime, a life together became impossible.

So my lightness comes not from a diminishing belief in the love that we share, but more of a comfortable detachment from Blake. This means that for the first time I can separate myself from him and our love to see the bigger picture. Although I believe Blake is one of my soul mates, because of his choices he is no longer meant for me in this lifetime. Desperately holding onto him will only end up holding me back from enjoying the rest of my time here without him.

The medium told me that as a gift, Blake said it is going to be his mission to connect me with a soul mate who can be all of the things he wasn't able to be for me. At first this scared me. Does admitting there is someone better for me conflict with saying Blake is a soul mate to me? Will moving on mean that I love Blake less? I can finally answer both of these questions with a firm "No." When that time eventually comes (which, admittedly, probably still won't be for a while) and I can see this new person as a gift from Blake, I know that it will be ok accept it and that I deserve it. Moving on won't mean loving Blake less, it will mean finally loving myself more.

Karmic Connection vs. Soul Mate

Last night when the medium explained to me that Blake and I had a "Karmic Connection" in this lifetime, I was really fascinated by this new term. I had never heard of it before, so I started to research it today. After spending hours on different websites, I found a ton of information on karmic connections, soul mates, and the differences and similarities between the two.

This made me think back to one of the very first entires I wrote in June called "Soul Mates?" When I wrote it, I was having an incredibly difficult time putting Blake and my relationship into perspective. Blake and I had talked about being each other's soul mate, but were we really? If he isn't here anymore and he was my soul mate, does that mean I'm never going to find love again? Can you have more than one soul mate? These were some of the questions I asked myself, but I never came up with any definitive answers. I settled on the fact that maybe I didn't need to figure it out.

Interestingly enough, every single website that I read was in agreement that people have more than one soul mate (but not necessarily in the same lifetime). They explained that because of free-will, missed connections, and the fact that not all souls will be on earth at the same time, the blue print created for your life includes a few soul mates with the hope that one or two will work out to be actual long term partnerships.

One website explained that although soul mates have Karmic Connections, not all Karmic Connections are with soul mates. This was something that confused me. After a lot more reading I think I have the concept figured out, so I will try to explain. When someone is your soul mate, they have an immediate pull and magnetic connection with you that makes you feel like you might have already met them before. What's confusing is that this is the exact same experience you feel when you meet someone whom you have a Karmic Connection with. The difference is that a soul mate is potentially with you for a lifetime, while a person with a Karmic Connection is only temporarily put into your life to teach you a lesson or solve unfinished business (from a past life experience together).

Going back to what the medium told me last night, he explained that he thought that Blake and I were married in a past life, but he betrayed me in some way. Because of this, Blake had bad karma with me that he needed to balance out in this lifetime. This is why the medium referred to what Blake and I had as a Karmic Connection. Blake was supposed to make up for this past betrayal by showing me true love. However, Blake repeated his same mistake in this lifetime and betrayed me again. For this reason, the medium said he wasn't sure if we would continue to meet up again in subsequent lifetimes.

So what does this all mean? The fact that he thinks Blake and I were married in a past lifetime could mean that he is one of my soul mates. However, due to the betrayal and missed opportunity to fulfill his Karmic Connection, it's possible that my soul won't choose to include him in my blue print in any more lifetimes. The medium told me it will be up to me to decide to give him another chance. But, he said I may not even want to once I meet the soul mate that comes into my life next. So will Blake continue to be a soul mate or was he just a failed Karmic Connection? I'm still not sure. But what I do know is there's so much love left for me in this lifetime that I have yet to experience. That should be my focus now because the rest can only be sorted out in another lifetime.

**Side note:
For anyone reading this who thinks I've gone off the deep end now that I'm talking about karma and past lives, I promise you I'm fine. I believe more and more every day that coping with the death of a loved one has a way of awakening your more spiritual side. Knowing that Blake is dead, it would send me spiraling down a black hole if I thought that was just it for him. Spirituality gives me hope that there's more to life than just the physical world and that even in tragedy, there is a bigger message from the universe at work.

Here is one of the websites I liked the most if you want to read more about Karmic Connections and soulmates : http://spirit-rising.wisdomwoods.com/tips/is-it-a-soulmate-or-a-karmic-connection/

The Medium Returns

Blake's mom sent me a message tonight telling me to call her. The medium that we talked to in June texted her saying that Blake came to him again. I called her up and she read the texts the medium had sent. Apparently Blake had been desperately trying to connect with the medium last week, but he was preoccupied with his own family stuff so he pushed it off until now. In his message he said several things, but the thing I latched onto the most was that he was very concerned with me not being happy. I froze. I asked Blake's mom, "Do you think he knew I spent my whole birthday and the day after trapped in my bed?"

Blake's mom gave me the phone number for the medium so I could get more information about his experience with Blake last night. We ended up talking for two hours as he gushed about Blake and how much he wanted to say to me.

The medium told me that last week he kept getting the feeling that he was supposed to check the bowl he uses for healing. Because he was dealing with family issues, he ignored this urge for a couple days. Two days ago he finally gave in and went to the bowl. Inside of it was a picture of Blake. When he connected with Blake's spirit, the first thing he started talking about was "birth." He told me he thought that meant someone could be pregnant, but I offered up the information about my birthday being last week. He immediately knew that must have been what Blake was talking about. There was a lot of concern around a "birth," but Blake passed along the message that it should be thought of as the start of a new beginning.

Although I'm not going to write about everything, one thing I will discuss is something that is still a bit unsettling to me. The medium told me that when I met Blake and felt that crazy, deep connection, it was actually because of something that had carried over from a past life. He said that he got the sense that Blake and I were really important to each other in a different lifetime (he thought perhaps that we were married), but that Blake betrayed me in some way. Us meeting again was something he called a Karmic Connection. A Karmic Connection means that our souls had unfinished business from a past life that he was supposed to resolve in this life. The purpose of us meeting was so he could learn the lesson he didn't learn in the past life time and come full-circle.

The medium said that Blake and I met so I could help rescue him from himself. Unfortunately, because of free will and poor decisions before he met me, Blake was unable to get back on the right track in this lifetime and correct his mistakes from our encounter in the lifetime before. I asked if that meant that we would find each other again in our next lifetime. Clearly Blake didn't learn his lesson, so we must still have that unfinished business. The medium said he was unsure. Blake had been given the opportunity to right his wrongs with me and failed, so it would be up to my spirit to afford him another chance.

I told him that I'm confident I'll give Blake another chance. I know myself; I would forgive anyone for almost anything. The medium kind of laughed at me. He said he had a feeling that when I meet my true soulmate, I am going to "find what I thought I had." He said he is positive that if what I felt with Blake made me this happy, then I'm going to be deliriously in love when I meet the person who is actually meant for me in this lifetime. I didn't know whether to smile or cry.

I never thought in a million years that I would believe in mediums, but I actually think I do. The things he was saying and the depth to which he understood Blake and my relationship was chilling. I'm not sure what to do with all of this information about "past lives," but it does help me feel better to know that Blake and I really did have a magnetic connection even though I never really understood it. Even though he wasn't the best version of himself for me because of his addiction, I could still see through to who he really was at a spiritual level. I wish I could have saved him from himself like I was meant to do, but the medium reassured me that that didn't happen because of Blake's choices, not mine.

The Medium: An Adventure in ESP

Blake's sister was stopped in a store the other day by a medium who felt extremely compelled to talk to her. She let him know her brother died recently, but that was it. He ended up coming over last night so he could deliver Blake's message to us. He did this for free because he felt like it was his duty since Blake came to him and asked him to do it.

I'm not sure how I feel about mediums, but Blake was VERY spiritual and believed in spirits, guardian angels, and an afterlife. He was always telling me about his grandfather, the signs he sent him, and how he watched out for him. The way Blake lit up when he talked about it made me want to believe too. I have always been somewhat spiritual too and Blake definitely brought that side out of me.

Going into last night, I was so nervous. I really don't know why.

My mom had told me a couple weeks ago about how she went to a medium after her best friend died. The medium gave her very specific information about something hidden that she needed her friend's daughter to find. It turned out to be completely true. After hearing that from my mom, a person who I respect above anyone, I was much more open to the idea. I knew it was something I would be interested in exploring down the road, but I wasn't quite sure if I was ready for it yet.

I'm not going to go into any specific details, but basically Blake told me everything I wanted to hear about us, our relationship, and how he is doing now. The medium had no idea how Blake died, but said some very specific things about what was going on with him and his regrets after he reviewed his life. Although a lot of the information was pretty general (things that any girlfriend would want to hear about her boyfriend, her importance in his life, and the difference in connection from any other relationship), there were a couple really specific things that only he and I would've known. When those few things were mentioned, it definitely gave me shivers.

Do I believe Blake was really there last night? Yes. Do I believe that the medium has a special gift that allows him to talk to people who have died? Maybe. Did I feel comforted after he talked to me? Yes.

I think the real important thing is that I answered "yes" to the third question.

Throughout this whole process, I've learned that anything that helps a person feel better is a good thing. If hearing all of those things from a person that didn't even know Blake made me feel at all more confident in their truth, then that's a great thing for my healing process. I can reassure myself a thousand times, and so can his family and friends, but I guess it's really different hearing it from the medium because it felt like it came directly from Blake (regardless of if it really did).

But honestly, all of that stuff did come directly from Blake because he told me it when he was alive.

I think I am now at peace with the whole "soul mate" thing I was questioning a few days ago. Even if I got nothing else out of our adventure in ESP, then that alone would make it worth it.