Sunday, October 6, 2013

Half of My Heart (A Dream)

I just woke up from a terrible dream:

I was at the reception of my wedding. It was absolutely gorgeous and everyone I love was there. I spent the whole time going from table to table, making sure everyone was having fun, laughing, taking pictures with friends, and accepting congratulations. I didn't stop smiling for a second.

As the party was winding down, I went over to the corner where my father was standing. After I gave him a big hug and thanked him for such a beautiful day, he asked if I thought it was weird that I didn't spend any time with my husband tonight. ...I hadn't even realized.

I looked over and saw him standing with his back against a wall with the saddest look on his face. I rushed over and he immediately started crying and screaming at me. I begged him to stay quiet so we could talk somewhere else, but he kept saying everyone was already talking about it anyway. They were all saying, "Poor guy! What kind of life did he just get himself into? How can she love him with half of a heart?"

I wanted so badly to calm him down by telling him something reassuring. But I didn't. I couldn't. I just stared blankly. All I felt for him was pity.

And then I woke up.

What scared me (and caused me to originally post this without an interpretation) was my first instinct upon waking up. I panicked, thinking that this nightmare must be foreshadowing my actual wedding day. It was telling me that I will live the rest of my life with only half a heart, unable to give any man the life and love he deserves. There I was, ruining this poor man's life by trying to trick him, our families, and myself into thinking I could commit to him. But deep down we both knew I would never fully be able to do that.

I've said many times that I know it's better for me to be alone for a long time because "I feel bad for any guy who tries to date me now." I think this is partially because I realize how broken I am at the moment, but also because it would be an unfair position for anyone to be in. He would be signing up to compete with a man that I'm still in love with and have no way to ever get real closure on our relationship. As far as I'm concerned, if Blake was alive we'd still be dating and very much in love right now. How can I begin to consider anyone else as a potential partner when I know that to be true?

But maybe this dream was more of a warning, rather than a peek into my future. Maybe it was to remind me that I can't be in a healthy, lasting relationship if I go into it only giving the man half of my heart. If I am still thinking of Blake and wishing he was the one next to me, then I'll spend the whole relationship ignoring the man in front of me, like I did at the wedding in my dream.

I am going to take this as a gentle reminder to take care of myself. Since I still feel like I'm in a relationship with Blake, then that is my reality. To push myself to do anything that contradicts that reality would be harmful to everyone involved. I have faith that eventually I'll be in a different place, but for now I need to start figuring out how I can begin to carry both halves of my heart.


  1. There are many ways this dream could come off to people. My thought is this:
    You want to be happy again, you know deep down you want this. The happily ever after. He would want this for you. Your loved ones want you to be happy again. However your scared that you won't be able to provide your love to a man without hesitation, without questions. can you TRULY be in love again? Will you allow yourself to love without the fear of losing that love?
    When you get that inner strength to try again, will you constantly think of him when your happy in a new relationship? will you feel guilty? Will this cause you to reject the love given to you by another? Will you be able to see love through the haze of a heartache, will you accept it?

    You are going through a lot right now. You know that he loved you and you are worthy of being loved again. He will always be a part of you and the loss you feel for him will never go away. He will always be by your side guiding you, so take your time. Heal, laugh, cry, smile.
    Whatever you do, don't stop dreaming :)

    1. Are you inside of my brain? Haha seriously, all of those questions you listed have been mulled over in my head hundreds of times at this point. The worst is that I've some how rationalized in my head that it's not cheating on Blake if I don't kiss or date anyone until I'm sure he's the guy I'm going to marry. Talk about putting way too much pressure on the situation! I think that was secretly my way of getting out of ever having to start a new relationship again because I'd pick it apart completely before it even has the chance to begin.

      Sorry... I don't know how much sense that even makes to you, but my head is kind of a loop of never ending questions and rationalizations.

      Thanks for your input :) I really appreciate it