Wednesday, November 13, 2013


There's a whole world outside of my apartment, things to do if I open the door to my room, books to read and clothes to organize just a foot from where I lie, but instead I'm trapped in my bed. My entire life becomes the dimensions of my queen sized mattress. Everything beyond it is just a reality out of focus. I know it's there, I can almost see it, but it's all just a little too blurred. Too confusing. Too much.

I like my bed. It's not fancy or unique, but it's mine. And when I'm in my bed, the only choice I have to make is whether I want to be asleep or awake. Sometimes I don't even have to make that choice. When I'm in my bed I can just lie there and let my body make that decision for me.

At times I feel like I'm missing out. It could be as simple as sitting up and putting my feet onto the carpet. With just a little effort I could stand, walk around, and explore the space within my bedroom walls. If I tried a bit harder, I could exit into the rest of my apartment. I could shower, visit the fridge, watch TV, or maybe even talk with my roommate. And if I really wanted to, I could unlock the front door and leave. Just open it and walk right through. Who knows what I could find out there if I did that!

But the majority of the time, I prefer my bed. This is mostly because when I'm in my bed I know exactly what to expect. I know it'll be just me, my thoughts, and my laptop. There won't be any pressure to care about what's going on around me, to do anything I don't want to do, or to feel any certain way. In my bed I can hide.

I know I'm just isolating, separating, disconnecting, and avoiding. All of the -ings that only serve to postpone the inevitable. The unavoidable reality that there is a world just a foot from where I lie, beyond the door to my room, and outside of my apartment. A world that I belong to and love, but am not ready to fully embrace yet.

I toy with the idea of joining the world again and sometimes convince myself that I'm already there. But every so often I fall so deeply back into my bed that I get stuck. And while I'm here my point of view is that for me, reality is just a bit out of focus. I know it's there, I can almost see it, but it's all just a little too blurred. Too confusing. Too much. So for today, I choose my bed.


  1. I have the same love affair with my bed. A full day in bed has become so normal it almost feels necessary to include it in my weekly plans. I like to think it's helpful. That I'm being alone with my thoughts and memories so I can function properly the rest of the week. Ha. Yea right. Functioning has become doing as much as I possibly can half ass and as quickly as possible so I can get home. I don't know about you but if I don't want to do something I WILL find a way around it and communicating or explaining myself to someone outside of my bubble isn't exactly on the top of my list. We are ok, this is ok. Love you!

    1. That is such a great idea to schedule it in! I didn't realize until you said that that a full day in bed is kind of inevitable for me at least every other week. Maybe if I just accepted it and anticipated it, it wouldn't catch me off guard. Instead of having my day in bed ruin all of the plans I was supposed to be committed to, I could pick the day before hand so I will know it'll be there for me to decompress.

      What a great idea, thank you <3

  2. I always plan mine the day before. You can definitely feel it coming. I always tried to make plans and ignore the urge but it always wins and I was becoming a bad friend. Now when I decline an invitation I explain its my bed day and I can't and there's no pressure.
    Today is actually my bed day too. Lol. I hope planning it helps you to enjoy these retreats! Now I'm going back to Facebook stalking you and googling ;)

    1. Haha then I guess today is my "bed day" too. It definitely takes the pressure off of me to label it that way and be accepting of it. Plus it's really powerful to be able to turn down plans before hand instead of promising things you know you won't be able to come through on. I am starting to learn how to say "no," but something in me always feels guilty about it. You're right that it's better to decline beforehand that canceling last minute and looking like a bad friend.

    2. I'm really cheesy and make the worst jokes, but I just thought of a saying we can tell ourselves to have less shame about spending the day in bed:

      "It's not a bad day, its a bed day"

      Hahaha ok you probably don't want to be friends with anymore, but I hope it at least made you smile.