Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The Unfinished Scrapbook

For our half year anniversary, I decided to make Blake a scrapbook as one of his presents. Not to brag, but it was turning out pretty spectacularly. Even though the gift was supposed to be a surprise, I couldn't handle keeping it a secret from Blake. I would send him picture updates any time I finished a page that I was particularly proud of (which was all of them, haha).

The last weekend we were together was when we celebrated our six months. I was going to give Blake the scrapbook then, but we decided that I should wait until I added the pictures from that trip. I was disappointed that I wouldn't get to give him his present on our actual anniversary, but knew it would be worth the wait if it meant adding even more memories to it.
The morning immediately following that trip was when I found out Blake overdosed and passed away. I hadn't even adjusted to being back in California when I heard the news. I couldn't believe I had just slept with him the night before, kissed him only a few hours ago, and already started counting down the days until we could see each other again. How could the man, whom I just spent every minute of the last week and planned to spend every year in the future with, be gone? I'm never going to see him again? Touch him? Kiss him? Hold him? This couldn't be real...

I vividly remember that even in the haze of confusion, my mind went to that scrapbook. All of my supplies were still on my bed. The unfinished book stared at me. It seemed painfully symbolic of the unwritten pages of our love story that were now never going to be completed.

I brought the scrapbook with me to Blake's funeral. In it, I had written a heartfelt note that he never got the chance to read. As I read it aloud to his friends and family as part of my speech, I was hoping that someway, somehow, Blake was able to hear my message too. I knew he would have smiled so big and given me a million kisses after he read it when I finally gave him his present. I felt extremely deprived of that moment. I wanted it more than anything.

There have been countless times that I've endeavored to complete the scrapbook since that day. I even went as far as printing out the pictures from our last week together and putting them inside the pages. But every time I tried to get myself to actually make them, I couldn't. Something about it actually being finished upset me. Maybe on some level I thought that if the scrapbook was never complete, it meant that our story wasn't over either.

Now the unfinished scrapbook just sits on my bookshelf collecting dust. Lately I've been thinking that it might be a good project for me to work on during our one year anniversary coming up this Saturday, but I'm not completely sure I can commit to that. Something in my body is preventing me from giving finishing it a real thought. I know eventually I'll be able to work on it, but for now the wound still seems too fresh.


  1. I think that finishing it off would mean closure. I think that may be a bigger step than you are ready for too. If not, do it. Accomplish it. He would be proud. If youre not comfortable, dont darlin. The book is so thoughtful. I cant imagine what it means to you. I started a scrap book with some pictures but after the first couple of pages it turned into a never ending memory book of sorts. I write in it every time a memory of him comes across my mind, something funny he said, his outfit, anything that comes to mind and I keep it going so that I always have those memories but so that it never is done. Ive added some pictures of the memories I talk about but to be done and finished with the book I just couldnt. I wanted to keep it going forever like his memories in my head. Love you xo

    1. I hadn't thought of it as closure, but that really does explain it well. After I complete it, it will just be done and that will be that. It'll definitely give me a sense of accomplishment and will look so nice all finished, but at this point that's not as important to me. I guess what's important to me is feeling like he's a part of everything that I do, not a closed chapter.

      I started a memory book just like you described! It was actually an idea that another girl who lost her boyfriend suggested to me. I think it's so awesome that you do that. In a way I feel like this blog is a memory book of sorts for me, so I eventually stopped writing in that book and have focused mostly on writing here.

      I loved our talk tonight, by the way. Thank you for all of your love and support <3

  2. I, too, stopped my memory book for blogging. I look back at it and it's nice to see and remember those things. I may have it all wrong, I can't tell which way is up at times lol but to me finishing it and closing it means it's done. If you choose to you can reflect and look back thru it but it's so important; I just feel like it should stay open for now. Maybe add some pictures in of you fulfilling the dreams y'all had together..? Make it like a physical short version blog so you can remember where you were and where you're going all because an amazing man put those dreams and visions in your heart. We may abandon these blogs at one point, lose a password, or maybe just not need it. Whatever the circumstance a back up can't hurt right?
    I loved the time we had to talk tonight. It was amazing. Thank you darlin! ..and thank Blake tonight as I'll be thanking Dane :) slow progress is better than none and I owe it all to them!
    Xoxo love you